Cherry Blossom Moments

Learn to enjoy the cherry blossom moments.

This was the title and the sole meaning of an article I was somewhat forced to read recently. Although I will admit that I do tend to be drawn to simple, yet complex and powerful messages like these, I more than likely would have not read this article had it not been shoved in my face by my neurotic mother. This is a woman who takes breaks at work to email me “inspirational messages” and save articles from the Pioneer Press, paper clipped neatly to handwritten notes usually entitled “Melissa should read this”. How cute. A passive aggressive note to remind herself to remind me to read something she feels is valuable. Most of the articles she saves away for me are mundane rants about how I should save my money or stop drinking or stop wasting my time with boys who’s parent’s do not own a cabin or a boat ( No seriously, this has been a requirement for marriage imposed by my mother since I entered high school. Apparently, he’s supposed to be older and also capable of holding the title “Sugar Daddy”. I’m gathering the whole LOVE factor didn’t work out so well in her favor?) OR perhaps she is feeling resentful being the breadwinner of the family. Either way, she feels the need to remind me how important a man with a mission is and how I need a man who can “provide”. I call it old fashioned, she calls it the way. I guess we agree to disagree on this subject. Personally, I’m on a misson to provide for my family with or without a man. I figure a man is just some sugar on top to my life. (And that’s all the sugar I need, Daddy.) ;)

As I read this article I found myself actually READING the article. Hearing the authors words, not just scanning in a disinterested hurry, just to humor my Mother while trying really hard not to look too annoyed, but instead somewhat entertained. Usually I gather enough to summarize and report my findings, hold a five minute conversation and then move on, laughing silently to myself about how our generation gap is SO ridiculous. Or convince myself that my budgeting is perfectly sound. (Okay, maybe it’s not, but I’m not going to give up living my life as I see fit, stowing away for a future you can’t even count on.) (Let me rephrase so I don’t sound like a complete irresponsible jerk: I do what I feel is responsible for my life. I don’t live by someone else’s imposed standards. I save what I can and with my 3-4 day work week, it aint much. So when I’m finally allowed to work full time and can afford daycare on my own, that will be the day I start saving for a rainy day. For now, I just try to get by and not stress myself out too much with things I can’t change.) Annnnnd moving on….

Scan…scan…wait…Reading. Hearing. And now I’m getting teary eyed. “Oh my god, what is this? Am I pregnant?!!?!” I immediately thought to myself. Wait….no. It’s actually an emotionally charged article that is playing directly on my Mommy Card. DAMN YOU! My Mother smiled to herself and left the room. AND DAMN YOU TOO! Being a mother herself, I knew that SHE knew exactly how I was feeling reading this article. It spoke the truth. It spoke what every mother feels, even when you feel like no one, not even your own mother understands. I felt like she was talking directly to me, as if I needed to hear these words and in some ways I think I did. This woman/mother of 3 tiny children was talking about how being a parent can feel like it’s consuming you. You can feel lost in the moment and then in the next moment feel like you can’t wait to just move on to the next phase. She even coined my Mother’s favorite phrase, “This too shall pass.” Alcoholics tend to love that term. Co-dependents too. And now the Mother joins the ranks. Do they have weekly meetings for us too? But it’s true. Every moment, just like every emotion, passes just as fast as it came. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed. I feel like I can’t focus on what’s right in front of me. I feel like I’m lost in the fury of an almost 2 year old who just wants his Mommy to play firetrucks with him. But I’m lost……I’m gone, lost in thought, lost in worry. Lost in trying to figure all of this out and it’s really much more simple than that. It’s almost as if children were put here to remind us adults to stop taking shit so seriously. Chill the fuck out. Play. Laugh. And learn how to take a nap for the love of God.

My eyes started to well up in tears when she got a part where she retold a story about a friend who’s 18 year old daughter died after an apparent battle with a terminal illness. She recaptured the tearful father’s eulogy , who spoke of their cherry blossom tree. Every spring this family delighted in the cherry blossoms (as I read this I thought of my own childhood and how we all looked forward to the lilacs blooming every Easter.) But obviously this story didn’t have such a happy ending. The father recited how even though it was still Spring the day their daughter died a bad storm blew all the blossoms off the tree. Moral of the story is blatantly: take the time to cherish your moments. Stop thinking life moves too fast or that you’ll get to it tomorrow or that everything is too damn complicated to tackle. Stop making excuses and instead enjoy, live and embrace the moments you do have with your family, your friends, your children.

It made me think of how overwhelmed I’ve been feeling. Distracted. Sometimes helpless. Spending too much time criticizing my situation or criticizing my own mothering skills. When really I should just accept my situation, stop expecting so much from myself and start loving the moments that really count. Like when my son snuggles up to me when he’s tired at nighttime. When he kisses me goodbye or when he runs in the leaves with the most carefree and happy look plastered on his face all while manically gibbering away in his native language of the stars. I could sit here and blame all my worrying on being a mother or my acute anxiety, but really it's more or less a mindset I need to just let go of. Instead, I need to start accepting that these little tiny moments can be chalked up to the great moments. These memories however minimal they may seem don't have to be so grandiose to be great. Maybe I should start cutting myself some slack and realize I don’t have to have a big fancy house or a husband or every toy imaginable for my son to be a happy and well adjusted child. I can be the mother that I am and we can both be happy well adjusted humans beings.

Towards the end of the article, the author spoke of Halloween, her children growing up and the notion of how time moves SO fast when you have children. I think the saying “Don’t blink or you’ll miss it” kind of holds true in some regards because Lord knows it feels like it was just yesterday when I was in my 53 hour labor with my son and in a few short weeks he’ll be turning 2 years old!!! It’s mind blowing and equally ridiculous to me! Why couldn’t have my two treacherous middle school years gone this fucking fast???! I think that would have been at least more in my favor, instead of this hey my tiny cuddly little baby is now a walking, talking, putting stuffed animals in the toilet toddler and you can’t register any of it because time holds no bars for you lady! (Okay, maybe it’s really not that dramatic, but sometimes it truly feels like it. In an overwhelmed state, it TOTALLY does.) So I think her point was that sometimes it feels hard to slow down when it feels like your children are growing up SO fast. When really it's just that life has taken a very busy turn and instead of having so much time you don't know what to do with, you have all this time full of opportunities for really great moments and memories.

So forget the worries, forget the frantic mother, stressed out I just want a glass of wine so I can chill the eff out and watch Robert Pattinson mack on Kristen Stewart for an hour kind of nights and remember the tiny things that matter more: the butterfly kisses, the bananas thrown purposely on the floor followed by a fit of giggles, the toys that make way too much noise but they're his favorite, the stickers on kitty cats and the hugs that never seem to last long enough, because these are all your "cherry blossom moments". So appreciate them and cherish them because you just never know when these precious moments could come to an end.

Synchronicity...

I saw one of my favorite bumper stickers on the way to the park today. At the park Devan kissed a tree and pointed at the sun while exclaiming "Pretty star!!" If that's not proof that the earth does not belong to us, we belong to the earth then I don't know what else is. :)

Monogamy is for the Birds

I've had a theory for a very very very long time that monogamy isn't designed for the human species. Do I defensively shriek that I'm not a goose to a upset partner when busted having a wondering eye? No, because that's just rude and I try very hard to be a good, faithful, loyal girlfriend. (But God and I know that I still think it.)

You see, I've become convinced that upon entering a new relationship you go through various phases of said relationship and after years wondering down lovers lane hand in hand the two of you become complacent, routine trained, boundaryless partners that basically share a couch and the same potato chip bag. *Shudder*

Don't get me wrong I love the ins and outs of trying to co-exist with another human being (and the majority being the male variety). After all I AM a woman. I tend to frolic in the emotional realm far too often than what's really neccesary for any human being, but apparently that's what all these hormones I possess do to a person. Thanks pussy, 'preciate it. As far as the phases go, I share a love/hate relationship with the first phase of a budding relationship. Properly coined "The Honeymoon Phase", we find here everything is blissful, wonderful and amazing on every level. (This is especially true if you find a phenomenal, passionate lover...but there goes my one-track mind again.) But on the flip side, it's still annoyingly nerve-racking and uncertain.

Next, we find ourselves spending more and more time together, going out to eat more often than our pocketbook is comfortable with and becoming a part of each other's daily routine. Don't get me wrong, this isn't bad or wrong or any other negative term I can conjure up. In fact, this part can be loads of fun too! Especially if you're with the right person. ( Unfortunately, for me I have only experienced this once. And I was on a shit ton of drugs, so however much I really truly experienced is up for debate.) But, if you're with the wrong person, then my god this is setting up a person for a long road of boredom or a psuedo-painful breakup. I say psuedo because once the blinders come off you realize what an ass you were for being with that person in the first god damn place AND realize how blissfully happy you are SINGLE! ;p

After this phase it's basically one of two options: Get married or get busy breaking up. Why waste more time not evolving into something more deep, meaningful and committed? Marriage. Such a frightening word. For some it's the dollhouse fantasy they've carried in the back of their mind since they were school age little girls making Ken kiss Barbie. But for gals like me, it's a blinding yellow light that screams: YOUR FREEDOM IS OVER and get prepare to get ungodly fat.

I'm pretty sure I'm the minority in this since I am part of the female species and most girls go goo-goo-ga-ga over David's Bridal every time they drive past it with visions of white wedding dresses and roses dancing in their heads. *Shudder* But for me the idea of your church house wedding, white flowy dresses and bridesmaids all in row makes me nautious. To me, the committment is between you and another person. My vision would be me and my lover in a sweat lodge having some crazy visions together. Boom. "Married fo life".

Okay, let's get real now. The reason I have committment issues is not because I'm some sad, lonely girl that doesn't believe in love. I believe in it. Full heartedly. Have I loved? Hundreds of times over. I believe I'm the embodiment of love so therefore I basically breathe the essence of it daily. My problem lies in the science behind love, the fact that most married couples that are 30 years deep are unhappy, have had affairs, or are divorced and trying again. And again. and for those of you who can't seem to figure it out that marriage is for the birds, AGAIN.

My theory is this: You should be with and marry your best friend. The one person that when the sex isnt a hot steamy, throw me up against the wall and fuck the shit out of me kind of multi-daily affair anymore, that you can stand being around for the rest of your life. I mean, let's face it. We get old. We get wrinkley, we get saggy in all the wrong places. (If old geezers still have sex then good for them, but in this moment after having that thought, I am thoroughly frightened and equally nauseated) *shudder* Aging brings sickness, diseases, money woes, all of which you have to conquer together as a team. Again, you best pick the person that's gonna go to bat for you and not judge the mistakes you make along the way. Cuz life doesn't really ever get easier....instead we just get grumpier and opinionated in our old age. (Since I'm only 30 and apparently this is the new 22....I'm basing this info off none other but my own folks.)

My parents are still married. After years of ups and dangerously low downs these two human beings managed to somehow stick together. It's mind blowing to me actually, cuz lord knows I would have split....wait. I somewhat recently got out of a 5 year worthless on/off again relationship that went absolutely nowhere...so maybe I should shut.the.fuck.up about shoulda, coulda, wouldas....but the point being, their marriage doesn't fit the the glass painting on the wall they've created throughout the years.

Yesterday I talked to my Dad. He's almsot 60. Graying. Self acclaimed work-aholic that has become the oh so stereotypical husband. My Mom the bitchy wife who can't seem to understand why my father retreats to the basement with his bag of m & m's to eat in solitude while watching old war movies. "Well are you happy?" I asked. After a moment of deliberation he answered, "No." I may have been seeing things, but I'm pretty sure I saw tears well up in his eyes. "Do you think Mom is happy?" I asked. "No." Dad answered again. "Well do you think you two could benefit from couples therapy?" , Again another no. "We're past that." my Dad replied. At the moment, I didn't grasp what he was saying...but now I know he meant, their unhappiness just is, it's not "fixable". They aren't madly in love anymore and never will be ever again. And then he said the one thing that I'm basing this whole blog on in the first place. "She's my friend. I like her. She likes me. We've been together for years, honey. That's just what happens."

So, marry your best friend. Evolve into something that's honest and open about who we truly are as sexual, emotional human beings. And maybe if you're both adult about it. Keep the doors open for exploration. Stop making "the wondering eye" such a god damn taboo and again let's get real about who we really are. Cuz I'm 100 percent positive I ain't no goose.

Revisions

Take a trip. in your mind.
let the words find you.
embrace you.
let the words tell your story.
tell your fantasies. hopes. fears. desires
scandelous secrets.
let the world in.
so it begins.....

Random scribbles to curious eyes...
........................................................................................................................................................................
Gotta love a never ending story
A circle of thoughts, running rampant
in your mind.
When the ADHD takes control and I lose myself in a maddening fury of words.
spinning out tirelessly, liike a broken record
on repeat,
repeat these memories.
I can pick them out. one by one...
as if they're little fluffy white clouds..
floating by. And I'm pretending I'm far away
I used to pretend this and that. Being young. to be young again...
lollipops and rainbows.
live your life like allison in her fairytale. In her wonderland. like dorthy and the Wizard. Skipping down the yellow brick road.
We all had a disaster to excape.

Energy

Sometimes it's hard to write when you're happy. When you haven't a care in the world, when the sun shines brightly just for you and you're at one. With your essence, your being, your universe. Smack dab in the center of it, I make my way out, like branches on the weeping willow tree, I sway with the wind, with the energy that surrounds me, the energy that makes up every tiny cell in my body. I am one with this moment. I am at one with happy.


Each moment passes and I find myself thinking, pondering, wondering about the future. Pondering the past, like the dark shadow that it is.
I wonder how my life would be different had I chosen a different path, but would that path be as fufiling with life long lessons only I will percieve, only I take to my grave.

Lessons, life, the journey that we all take, up mountains of regret and back down. Blissfully happy one moment, ignorant the others. Stricken with grief, despair and addiction. Hopelessness. Grandiose and vibrant thoughts, manic and depressive. Love. Infatuation, trickery of the heart. Emotions caught, in this never ending cycle. We humans call life.

But it's just an emotion. Just glimpse of a thought turned inwards so that our soul can feel, and ultimately learn the ins and outs of this chosen life.

But it's just an emotion. Nothing concrete or essence changing. This too will pass.

Blink, it's over. On to the next, change your thoughts and see what you may find waiting behind the door of experience. The next possibility, opportunity. Each day presents itself with something new. What will you find on this journey?

Walking on again, among the twisted vines of life. Branching out into the sea of stars and yellow brick roads, I find myself longing for a different sunset.
Different as in better, as in perfection, but that too lies in the eye of the beholder. Like beauty, perfection lies in the discriminating eyes of perception.

Wandering now, into a vast ocean of energy, I find myself heating up like the sun. My rays of happiness are wrapping around the souls of others, my friends, my lovers and I see now how the dance of energy is the lifeforce that keeps us all bound to one another.

Lifeforce, the essesnce, the being, the spiritualness of this experience.

Its all one , it's all now. It's here. Welcome back home.

Maturity...

Days have passed, months, in fact a few years have past, since I've sat down and tried to scrawl out some words worthy of another reading. After re-reading some of my older posts I'm in some sort of awe and shock of how drastically different my life and my overall view on life has changed.

I'm a mother now. A mother of a an almost two year old toddler. He's amazing. I think he just may be the most amazing little human I've ever met. His vocabulary is stellar, he's sensitive and kind and knows how to flirt with the best. ( I should know, we can smell our own.) But he's definitely beat me in the "sensitive" dept. His level of empathy and cautiousness is just something I can't seem to wrap my head around. Again, the child is awe striking, his eyes a vast ocean of blue, his hands; tiny like little stars. He's the best at holding hands and making my heart melt.

My world has changed. I'm not out every night, bouncing to and from, looking for the next experience to lose myself in. I do miss my friends and the fact that I can't participate in dance nights or the just fly by the seat of my pants kind of moments, but I'm finding I'm happiest at home. Snuggled up with my son, or with a good book or maybe an episode of Ancient Aliens or Glee. (shut up.) The BIGGEST change though is that I'm no longer in a dead end relationship with someone who I now realize was my polar opposite. Yes, the entire relationship ended years ago emotionally and really why we hung on the shreds that were left, I'm really not clear on. But it is what it is and it's finally 100 percent OVER. I'm not going to bash on the man, he's great in his own way. But it took finally walking away 100 percent, no contact, no friends, no friends with benefits, no texting, no talking on the phone. It took me washing that man right out of my hair and for him to be absolutely gone in every way to realize that my heart didn't fully love him. He just wasn't the missing piece to my puzzle. We had absolutely nothing in common, we didn't share the same dreams, the same desires to evolve, we didn't connect on the deep spiritual level that I've always hoped to connect with a man on. We just didn't fit. Let's face it: I had some severe blinders on and now...I'm finally set free! My heart has never felt happier. :) Things have become exciting, fun and simple again. (Missa B is back bitches.) ;)

Yes, life may seem dull at times, when I reminence about my past "freedom", but when I really sit down and embrace my life I realize I'm more free now than I ever was. I have my own little family, I have freedom and happiness in my heart and in my life again. I'm able to be the ruler of my destiny again. Find the road that suits my internal and external happiness and live it however I choose. Already on this journey I've met some amazing and wonderful people, who can make me laugh till I cry, who can hold me like no one has ever held me before, who can smile and I immediately feel it's radiating happiness, no matter what kind of mood I'm in. It's a joyful experience. My life have become once again a joyful and unique experience and I'm completely blissed out by all of it! Best of all I have a son who who taught me all of this and most of all taught me what it means to unconditionally love.

Okay. Serious blog over. From this point forward I will go back to my sassy comments and outtakes on my silly life. Cut with some moments of the Deep. ;)

Good Day!
~Melissa

Ice cream Addiction and words by another prego blogger I found utterly HILARIOUS!

One of the funnier things I've read in quite awhile!

Instead of "pesto sandwich with cheese" insert "Snicker's Ice Cream Bar" and we'll have an understanding of my undying addiction for ice cream that I can somewhat entertain being that I'm a totally fatty anyway...I mean pregnant.

"My husband takes me to Ojai for the weekend, where we find a little coffee house in town and I order a veggie sandwich with pesto and Swiss cheese. I tell myself I’m going to eat only half of it, like an alcoholic tells himself it’s just a slice of rum cake and it won’t trigger a bender and than he ends the night with one shoe and 47 stitches at County General trying to remember his sponsor’s phone number." Teresa Strasser from her "Exploiting My Baby" Blog.

Ahhhh. I LOVE It. :) And a big thank you to Jared M Theile for pointing out this awesomeness for me to relish my prego brain in!

So you love an Alcoholic...

Yesterday I walked into the big house on the hill. A familiar place, with coffee brewing in the kitchen, couches in the meeting rooms and an old musty smell throughout.

Comforting and yet frightening all at the same time.

Walking into the meeting room I found only a small group of people. All with smiling faces. "The Newcomer" must have been written on a blinking sign resting on the top of my forehead. I smiled nervously and took a seat on the most uncomfortable couch I've ever sat in. The kind where too many people had sat in it and not enough tender loving care. The thing was most likely over 40 years old. I sunk in and announced to the curious faces that this was my first Al-Anon meeting. A chorus of "welcomes" chimed through the air and I was given a stack of pamphlets to leaf through.

"Thank god." I thought to myself. I don't have to sit here melting into this couch, fidgeting waiting for more unfamiliar faces to show up.

"So you love an Alcoholic" A bright red pamphlet that was nestled under the "Welcome Newcomer" one. I opened it up and started reading the "Do's and Don'ts".

1. Don't treat the alcoholic like a child. Treat this person as if they suffer from any other disease.

All I could think of was the coddling mother or child who was picking up after the sick cancer ridden family member. Bringing them food, water, propping them up in bed, changing the channels. Cooing and oogling. Worrying and crying. And then thinking how the hell is treating a drunk like this going to help?

Obviously..that's not what this means..but for a second there it does seem to sort of paint that picture. After thinking about it for a minute I realized that I HAVE indeed done those exact things. Bringing him soup, and water, gatorade when he was so hungover he couldn't function. Lying in bed with him all night while he was pissed off and feeling like shit. Worrying. Crying...I did it all...

But yet somehow I don't really think that's the point. In fact, I'm pretty sure you're NOT supposed to do any of those things. Instead just treat them as if it's something that isn't fixed by willpower alone. Its much deeper than this. Much more evil.

2. Don't check up on the alcoholic to see how much he/she is drinking, search for hidden liquor, or pour liquor out.

Well....I've failed miserably at that one. Because I've done all of the above. A hundred times over.

3. Don't Nag the alcoholic about drinking. Never argue while they are under the influence.

FAIL. FAIL. FAIL.

4. Do remember we can't control, cause or cure alcoholism.

Well, I did try to control it and obviously FAILED miserably. I've always known that I'm not the cause, no matter how many times I got blamed, and I obviously can't cure anyone of their problems. So this is only a moderate FAIL.

5. Don't preach, scold, or enter into quarrels with the alcoholic.

FAIL. FAIL. FAIL.

It's weird how wrapped up in another human being one can get when you just want the best for them. Turns out I was only making all situations worse. Obviously I have realized this, anger and controlling behavior doesn't solve or help any situation. But, I kept hoping that maybe he'd just "figure it out" one day. Stop the cycle. Stop being in such denial. Start picking up on the clues, because as far as I could tell they were all right there smack dab in front of our faces.

But.....no matter how hard I tried, nothing worked. According to this my trying was FAILURE.

Not because I was failing him or failing the relationship. But because I was failing MYSELF.

Instead of just worrying and crying for myself I was worrying and crying for him. Instead of taking care of me, I was taking care of him. Instead of trying to better my own life, I was always trying to better his. And when it didn't happen. I got ANGRY. I got RESENTFUL. And I got super fucking co-dependent.

But today, as I sat on that uncomfortable ass couch I was taking care of me. Though it may appear I'm there for the alcoholic. That is definitely NOT the case. I'm there to learn how to love myself again, turn that shit over, stop worrying, stop fussing and let that man take care of himself.

It's the control that I've gotten used to and the same control, anger, hate and rage that I got myself wrapped into. The same stuff spun me so out of control that I wound up losing myself. Thus the cycle continued. And the more out of touch I became.

All I can say is that I'm glad I'm at where I am today and I know that a lot of this has to do with my lil one that is on the way. It's a life changing event that makes you CHANGE your life, whether you thought you were ready or not. But honestly, I'm so thankful I've gotten to this point, and was forced to make these changes. Because now is the time I can finally heal, move forward and start living again!

Step 1 : We admitted we were powerless over our addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable

I am definitely powerless in this situation, my life became unmanageable and I'm going to do everything I can to make sure I turn my life and will over. So that I can become whole again! I don't have to live my life consumed by another's problems for another second!

:)

Prego try to write....

Pregnancy is a weird thing. Something that you just CAN NOT begin to even understand until you go ahead and go through with it. I don't care how many books you read, how many photos examine, sex educational videos you watch, or talking about it with other moms....none of that shit can even remotely compare to going through it.

And I haven't even completed this process and I find this a frightening and awesome fact.

I'm four months pregnant. So far my life has taken an awesome change for the better, but also an amazingly crazy turn for the worse. ( But this is only relating to a relationship gone sour (again) and being forced to go through this process alone.) It's scary alone, but then again, I haven't ever gone through pregnancy with someone, a partner or what not so really what the fuck do I know? I'm just going on out on a limb and saying that I betcha that shit's easier.

The first trimester was HELL. on Earth. I basically felt like I had the flu combined with a gnarly self loathing depression for 3 months straight. Looking in the mirror was torture because I had my sights set on obtaining my "goal body" this summer and getting in shape. Instead I was being greeted with the opposite. My stomach turning flabbier and more bloated with each and every passing day. My emotions caught in this maddening whirl of being scared shitless, to happy and excited, to being terrorfied all over again! The depression was due to feeling like crap daily and not being able or having the desire to go out, have fun, be with friends. Sleeping and watching cable while nibbling on saltines was my favorite pasttime those days. Not exactly exciting!

Now into the 2nd trimester I have my energy back and I'm nausea free (unless of course I forget to eat something...) My emotions have calmed down a bit, but I'm still fighting the random attack of a hot flash from time to time, usually in the middle of the night while in mid dream mind you. ( hormones are disrespectful like that...) I go from feeling good about the pregnancy to feeling that I'm going to be a horribly broke parent that struggles daily and can't provide for my child as it deserves. I'm scared that I'll have this miserable relationship with the father that my child will witness and then someday begin to understand. Mommy and Daddy hate eachother. :(

So, against my own wishes really, I'm forced to somehow make some sort of civil relationship happen with this person. For the sake of my child. And good god is it draining. But it teaches you how to be a bigger and better person. Teaches you how to let shit go. Teaches you how to stop letting your own emotions control the situation and stand back from a distance and do what is needed for the sake of another. It's difficult when you have a mountain of resentment/anger and frustration towards this person...but again I never want to give the impression to my child that, Mommy and Daddy hate eachother. Instead I would like him/her to learn that men and women can have functioning, respectful relationships with eachother. Whether they are together or not it's possible. Whether they are friends or not. It's possible. Someday I'd like to be able to parent on a one unit basis, while not being in an exclusive bf gf relationship. Maybe I'm crazy to think it's possible, but at this point that's what my goal is.

As I grow larger and rounder, as the kicks become horrible jabs to the ribs I look forward to experiencing this journey. Even though it is alone, I'm trying my best to find all the good in this experience that I can, while making best of the shit that is force fed me through a straw.

I'm not saying I'm going to enjoy it, but I guess I can choose to hate every second of it, become more resentful or rise above it.

In this moment, I'm going to rise above it. Choose the high road. Get one with "God" and turn that shit over.

Pregnancy is a weird and crazy thing....I'm in the midst of it. Some days knee deep in it, but I'd rather make molehill out of this mountain. Cuz I'm terrorfied of heights.

*poof*

Sometimes I just wish I could disappear...

torture.

"It's not over yet..."

The wind rustles my hair as the I swing higher and higher into the clouds...The sun blinds my eyes and I shut them to bring myself back to yesterday. When I found solace on my tiny tike swing set. Every night around sunset I'd swing....swing...swing.

Until dinner was done. Until the whistle ran out and I ran home, either way. I was always with the sun. Always settling myself with the sun...

To this very moment I found my peace gliding through the air, up and down, feeling the warmth of the sun's rays on my skin.

I felt myself become young all over again as I tried to push the weeks events and turmoils on my mind away for a second. a moment. and pass.

Because you can't ever fully escape the world around you. it will spin itself out tirelessly, day after day...and the people around you, you can never keep your finger on, they will live, they will disappoint, they will break your heart, they will die.

People come into this world and go right back out again. Some live full lives and others have it robbed from them. Right when they least expect it. Right when they cross the street. Right when they turn the corner or wake up from a long nights sleep.

It's unfair really.

To the world around them. Because it affects. you. it affects them. It's a ripple affect that even most go unaware of.

I felt the sun'srays on my skin and tried to let go of today. yesterday. my nightmares I wake up to every morning. The unsettledness I've felt for days now that lies festering in my mind...

I can't shake this underlying fear. Things are ajar right now. But no personally in my life...but all around me.

For some reason I'm feeling the intensity of every blow and today I crumbled beneath it all.

I don't know why I've been so open, but the synchronicity of daily events have lead up to the most unfortunate things I wish would never happen. To anyone. EVER.

taking lives that are not your own or even to take your own is the most hurtful and painful thing another human can do to another human and like I said there's that ripple effect....

my current is my closure I never got a few people that I have held dear in my heart and those that I still do and forever will.

closure in these things I don't think is ever really obtained, but there is some sort of letting go that is found in the "routine" of death I think.

When you are robbed of this option.....you are left to just mourn. forever. essentially. And quite frankly today I find it unfair.

I find these feelings I've been tormented with all week to lead up to this and everything else, unfair.

I'd rather be blind some days. Not be so sensitive to other people's emotions, or even the guy down the street who can't get his son to stop lying in the middle of the street. I mean honestly...I've seen and heard some ridiculously sad shit this week...to top it off with murders and people's mothers dying. I mean my god....

what next?

Because as I was rambling on earlier...the feeling is not subsiding..and I'm certain...

It's not over yet.....

Moofas

Sally sat at hunched over her laptop, belly full of Moofas and pondering the thought of Holy Tea.

Moofas= some crazy term her mother uses to describe "healthy fats" such as olive oil, almonds, flax oil...so on and so forth.

Holy tea= the most "too good to be true" tea scam I've ever heard of. Besides that it looks suspiciously similiar to "milk thistle" which is a great liver detoxifier, but I don't think it tackles this long and lengthy list:

• take inches off their belly and reduce fat everywhere (without dieting or giving up any favorite foods)
• feel more energy and enjoy life more
• restore mental clarity and improve memory diminished by too many toxins in the blood
• get relief from allergies and hay fever
• clean out pharmaceutical or recreational drug residues and heavy metals
• clean out nicotine and second-hand smoke deposits
• assist with a stop smoking program
• keep the colon, kidneys, liver, and lungs healthy and clean
• improve digestion and absorption of nutrients
• help detoxify chemicals created by parasites, fungi, yeast, and bad bacteria in the colon and digestive tract
• remove parasites such as worms and flukes from the colon
• help remove toxins from the blood, organs, and entire digestive system
• restore the natural balance of 80% probiotic bacteria to 20% yeast, to improve digestion and assimilation of nutrients
• restore regularity and reduce auto-intoxification
• end constipation, hard stools, and hemorrhoids
• help relieve digestive ailments such as Acid Reflux (GERD), Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS), Crohn's Disease, Diverticulitis, Colitis
• clear skin conditions and body odor caused by internal toxins being excreted through sweat glands
• have skin which is healthy, soft, and younger-looking
• aid in reducing high LDL cholesterol and hypertension

I really think they may have taken the "detoxifying" list a tad bit too far, I mean this is just ridiculous. Colitis and hypertension, mixed in with some IBS?

Sally was immediately distracted by the one cat in the household that decided laying sprawled out smack dab in the center of the kitchen floor was not his idea of fun. Instead he's pacing around the house "moaning" as she calls it. It's a peculiar and half cute type of noise that resembles a purrr slash meow.

The cat is in heat. It makes sense. He's becoming a cat sans kitten and wants to entertain his manhood.

Wait no......he's fixed. Well because of this then he's just being annoying and acting immature.

Bad kitty. Baaaaaaad kitty.

OOOF! Sally's belly turns as her meditarrean pasta tries to settle.

"God damn moofas!" Sally mumbles to herself as she tries to shoo the psuedo in heat cat out of the dining room.

I guess it's time to face the sunshine and brave the last day of a Minnesota Spring.

.....................................................................................................................................................................

ps. I am working on compiling a cook book. :) Look for it soon. I'm gonna be the next up and coming Rachel Ray.

mmmm.hmmmmm.


ps. I'm buying a house soon. well fairly soon. like next 6 months soon.

YAY!

ps. I'm working six days/nights a week and work at Bulldog NE and Keegans Irish Pub both in NE minneapolis.

COME VISIT!

ps. Baxter still hates me.

:)

I've been a bad girl...

I'm definitely not posting daily.

Sorry Folks!

*Though I'm pretty sure I have no curious eyes and minds pining over my missing scribbles.*

She is So Not a Pear!

"She is so not a pear!!!"
"Yes...she is!!" I said with exasperation! " She has that full figured "lady figure" I said, wildly throwing my hands about in the familiar hour glass formation.
"She is not a pear!!" he says again, " That is so mean!"
"Well, She's not an apple!!" I said defensively of my previous conclusion. " She's full in the bottom, so she's a pear! It's widely known, I can't believe you don't know this..." I said shaking my head. "Seriously...pick up a crappy woman's mag and I'm sure you'll find something about body types."
"Wait, what do you mean an apple?" Todd said dumbfounded. "How the hell can anyone possibly look like an apple?"
" Well... I guess if you're an apple you have no hips...like me? Wait....no. I think I'm more like an upside down pear."
"What? You are NOT an upside down pear!!" Todd said chuckling.
" Well...I'm definitely not a pear, or an apple. I guess I could be a carrot." I said, shrugging my shoulders.
"oh god!! Todd said laughing. I can't believe we're even having this conversation...you are not a carrot. You're beautiful."
I smiled and we giggled a bit over how silly our conversations are sometimes.
I'm still pretty sure I'm a carrot or maybe a strawberry, but definitely Not a flippin pear. And I'm pretty sure i love that my boo bear and I can classify people as fruits and vegatables at any given random moment. Oh such Good times to be had rollin deep in the trusty Windstar.


ps. Due to my roomate emailing me the correct terms of bodytypes. I am a upside down Triangle.
See? I knew I was an upside down-something-or-other. :)

Random Scribbles to Curious eyes

bling.

blang.

bloop.

boo. diddley. doot.

la. la. fa. fa. say. di ray. mo.

love is lingering on your breath...
I can feel it wrap its arms around me...
holding me tightly.
forever.
you say.
forever.
I say.
magic.
one moments passing.
bliss in eternity
where two naked lovers dance across the sky.
in the mystic moonlight.
our souls enterwined within eachother
and we disappear into the shimmering twinkle of the stars prismed across the night sky....
to find eachother once again..
dance upon the moon.
mars.
neptune.
magic.
in one moments passing.
bliss in eternity.

bang. bang. doop.
biddley do dwop.
I say forever.
forever.
for
ever


dwop jones. making music. love to my ears. the rhythm makes me sway.
sway. sway
and I say Don't let that beat drop. Don't let that rythem stop. Cuz it makes me sway. sway. sway.

crack. click. tap. tap.
suga bang bang boo bop.

gotta love an endless circle. of the mind. When the ADHD takes control and I lose myself in a maddening fury of words.
spinning out tirelessly
as I can pick them out. one by one...
as if they're little fluffy white clouds..
floating by. I used to pretend this and that. popsicles and lollipops. Being young. to be young again...live your life like allison in her fairytale. In her wonderland. like dorthy and the Wizard. Skipping down the yellow brick road.
We all had a disaster to excape.

tumble down...down the stairs.
to the basement
the conciousness of the mind..
where all the secrets are kept
and you wonder why you came down here in the first place.
its dark. it's scary. the darkness looms over you, threatening to swallow you whole
and you wonder why you came down here in the first place.

bing. bang doodley bop.
skip and a jump and a diddley hop...

down to the merry go round..where the children play.
Where the sun shines and the sky is bright....
cherry drops. seat bombs. monkey bars and red rover.
remember? Remember the thrill of recess. The thrill of playing. The thrill of summer vacation?

Take a trip. in your mind.

boop boop da dwop.
let the words find you.
embrace you.
let the words tell your story.
tell your fantasies. secrets. hopes. fears.
scandelous secrets.
and let the world in.
let the world in.
so it begins.....

http://randomscribblestocuriouseyes.blogspot.com

ps. I am making it my daily goal this summer to brainstorm as you just witnessed/read and post daily.

Come witness the depths of my mind.

:)

Animoto fun!

The ode to De-fattying my cat.

I am trying to defatty my cat. I've been following the doctor's orders and feeding lil Baxter a third of a cup of kitty kibble once a day. I used to feed him close to two cups a day, by filling his small cup size bowl once in the morning and once at night. (And I thought I was doing the "right" thing by doing this routine for my lil kitty kat.) Turns out I was only endangering his life.
Awesome. *high five* Melissa. Way to kill your cat.

So I was explaining this to my two favorite old people tonight in the land of uniform houses and winding roads to mortgage hill, when my mother looked at me alarmed and said, " you know dear....we all know you eat nothing but crumbs...but imagine you if you went from that to not eating a thing for 3 days. Your poor lil kitties tummy is shock. No wonder he's cranky with you." My father of course chimed in his agreement making me feel twice the asshole. Not that I don't always feel like an asshole, but still...this was like, MEGA asshole status.

After giving away my food, to my "dieting" father, (I use parenthesis because this diet is not a choice my father made on his own, this was more like a mother-approved diet which is really a I'm dieting so you are too, move on my mothers part, and also a gateway to say," stop eating so much or I'm going to nag you everytime you stick something in your mouth because it makes me feel better kind of deal." Either way it's a lose lose situation for my father..and in one way literal...again by no choice of his own.

Anywho...I realized my parents were right...AGAIN. And maybe I should not be so swift in my de fattying of Mr. Baxter.

Tonight when I came home I found my kitty glaring at me from across the kitchen floor. I quickly went to my room, to hide from his guilt stare and the little bastard followed me, leaving me to turn around and find him staring up at me, ears flat back, eyes in "fierce kitty mode" <----I made that up. And you love it. I quickly remembered that Baxter is definitely NOT the kitty to piss off, so I went to the kitchen, pulled out the kitty kibble, fought off all 3 kitties with avengence and left them to the hands of Iams.

At least Baxter isn't so pissed off at me, or knocking random things off of counters. And I may have diffused his urge to pee on something of mine in his kitty fury.

Summer to do list

Now that the emo days of winter have finally found it's rest. In winter's short and hurried 3 month hibernation, I am happy to say there will be no more depressing or "I was saying boo-urns" blogs.

Now everybody dance!!! :)

Today is the day I make the "summer to do list" and hopefully will accomplish more than none this year. :)

1. GO TO YOGA!

2. Go to Krav Maga with Shawni <--- which this will happen I'm sure since I have a buddy who will undoubtedly make me go!

3. Stop being a pussy and make it all the way up the ramp AND back down. I'm fully aware that half way up and down doesn't count for much, but pussiness.

4. Do an olley. while moving.

5. Start jogging? I'm still uncertain about this.

6. buy a new rug.

7. de-fatty my cat.

8. Stop hoarding clothes I will never ever ever wear again, because let's face it, you will never paint your whole house anytime soon, so stop saving them for this non-existent purpose.

9. Save at least a 1,000

10. lose ten pounds. <-----It's always my goal to lose ten pounds. Whether Todd thinks I should or not.

extra points goal------> Accomplish at least 2 of these this summer! :)

yay for me!

emo.

Emotions over run a tired mind that has been kept alive by the constant drive...

of overthinking the world and the countless possibilites that forever seem to come up short.

Dreams kept alive by lies and deciet of an internal longing to be some ill fated dream that society finds correct.

Only to find myself half alive and drowning in my own pool of desparation to keep afloat any sort of faith.

Faith that is running dry with every breath that I take I find myself wishing that life was just another sort of fairytale where you can pinch yourself and just...

wake up.

From this nightmare that spins itself out tirelessly, in some sort of plea to find another door to open, where behind it lies the golden key, which unlocks the treasures of life.

In this moment I feel that this dream that is now my reality is only just a joke waiting to be told.

The punchline a sarcastic satire that will leave us disappointed, a dream, a life...unfufilled.

I said Boo-urns!

I feel like this grumpy little fella today......

And i feel like the world keeps telling me this....