I've had a theory for a very very very long time that monogamy isn't designed for the human species. Do I defensively shriek that I'm not a goose to a upset partner when busted having a wondering eye? No, because that's just rude and I try very hard to be a good, faithful, loyal girlfriend. (But God and I know that I still think it.)
You see, I've become convinced that upon entering a new relationship you go through various phases of said relationship and after years wondering down lovers lane hand in hand the two of you become complacent, routine trained, boundaryless partners that basically share a couch and the same potato chip bag. *Shudder*
Don't get me wrong I love the ins and outs of trying to co-exist with another human being (and the majority being the male variety). After all I AM a woman. I tend to frolic in the emotional realm far too often than what's really neccesary for any human being, but apparently that's what all these hormones I possess do to a person. Thanks pussy, 'preciate it. As far as the phases go, I share a love/hate relationship with the first phase of a budding relationship. Properly coined "The Honeymoon Phase", we find here everything is blissful, wonderful and amazing on every level. (This is especially true if you find a phenomenal, passionate lover...but there goes my one-track mind again.) But on the flip side, it's still annoyingly nerve-racking and uncertain.
Next, we find ourselves spending more and more time together, going out to eat more often than our pocketbook is comfortable with and becoming a part of each other's daily routine. Don't get me wrong, this isn't bad or wrong or any other negative term I can conjure up. In fact, this part can be loads of fun too! Especially if you're with the right person. ( Unfortunately, for me I have only experienced this once. And I was on a shit ton of drugs, so however much I really truly experienced is up for debate.) But, if you're with the wrong person, then my god this is setting up a person for a long road of boredom or a psuedo-painful breakup. I say psuedo because once the blinders come off you realize what an ass you were for being with that person in the first god damn place AND realize how blissfully happy you are SINGLE! ;p
After this phase it's basically one of two options: Get married or get busy breaking up. Why waste more time not evolving into something more deep, meaningful and committed? Marriage. Such a frightening word. For some it's the dollhouse fantasy they've carried in the back of their mind since they were school age little girls making Ken kiss Barbie. But for gals like me, it's a blinding yellow light that screams: YOUR FREEDOM IS OVER and get prepare to get ungodly fat.
I'm pretty sure I'm the minority in this since I am part of the female species and most girls go goo-goo-ga-ga over David's Bridal every time they drive past it with visions of white wedding dresses and roses dancing in their heads. *Shudder* But for me the idea of your church house wedding, white flowy dresses and bridesmaids all in row makes me nautious. To me, the committment is between you and another person. My vision would be me and my lover in a sweat lodge having some crazy visions together. Boom. "Married fo life".
Okay, let's get real now. The reason I have committment issues is not because I'm some sad, lonely girl that doesn't believe in love. I believe in it. Full heartedly. Have I loved? Hundreds of times over. I believe I'm the embodiment of love so therefore I basically breathe the essence of it daily. My problem lies in the science behind love, the fact that most married couples that are 30 years deep are unhappy, have had affairs, or are divorced and trying again. And again. and for those of you who can't seem to figure it out that marriage is for the birds, AGAIN.
My theory is this: You should be with and marry your best friend. The one person that when the sex isnt a hot steamy, throw me up against the wall and fuck the shit out of me kind of multi-daily affair anymore, that you can stand being around for the rest of your life. I mean, let's face it. We get old. We get wrinkley, we get saggy in all the wrong places. (If old geezers still have sex then good for them, but in this moment after having that thought, I am thoroughly frightened and equally nauseated) *shudder* Aging brings sickness, diseases, money woes, all of which you have to conquer together as a team. Again, you best pick the person that's gonna go to bat for you and not judge the mistakes you make along the way. Cuz life doesn't really ever get easier....instead we just get grumpier and opinionated in our old age. (Since I'm only 30 and apparently this is the new 22....I'm basing this info off none other but my own folks.)
My parents are still married. After years of ups and dangerously low downs these two human beings managed to somehow stick together. It's mind blowing to me actually, cuz lord knows I would have split....wait. I somewhat recently got out of a 5 year worthless on/off again relationship that went absolutely nowhere...so maybe I should shut.the.fuck.up about shoulda, coulda, wouldas....but the point being, their marriage doesn't fit the the glass painting on the wall they've created throughout the years.
Yesterday I talked to my Dad. He's almsot 60. Graying. Self acclaimed work-aholic that has become the oh so stereotypical husband. My Mom the bitchy wife who can't seem to understand why my father retreats to the basement with his bag of m & m's to eat in solitude while watching old war movies. "Well are you happy?" I asked. After a moment of deliberation he answered, "No." I may have been seeing things, but I'm pretty sure I saw tears well up in his eyes. "Do you think Mom is happy?" I asked. "No." Dad answered again. "Well do you think you two could benefit from couples therapy?" , Again another no. "We're past that." my Dad replied. At the moment, I didn't grasp what he was saying...but now I know he meant, their unhappiness just is, it's not "fixable". They aren't madly in love anymore and never will be ever again. And then he said the one thing that I'm basing this whole blog on in the first place. "She's my friend. I like her. She likes me. We've been together for years, honey. That's just what happens."
So, marry your best friend. Evolve into something that's honest and open about who we truly are as sexual, emotional human beings. And maybe if you're both adult about it. Keep the doors open for exploration. Stop making "the wondering eye" such a god damn taboo and again let's get real about who we really are. Cuz I'm 100 percent positive I ain't no goose.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Friday, October 21, 2011
Revisions
Take a trip. in your mind.
let the words find you.
embrace you.
let the words tell your story.
tell your fantasies. hopes. fears. desires
scandelous secrets.
let the world in.
so it begins.....
Random scribbles to curious eyes...
........................................................................................................................................................................
Gotta love a never ending story
A circle of thoughts, running rampant
in your mind.
When the ADHD takes control and I lose myself in a maddening fury of words.
spinning out tirelessly, liike a broken record
on repeat,
repeat these memories.
I can pick them out. one by one...
as if they're little fluffy white clouds..
floating by. And I'm pretending I'm far away
I used to pretend this and that. Being young. to be young again...
lollipops and rainbows.
live your life like allison in her fairytale. In her wonderland. like dorthy and the Wizard. Skipping down the yellow brick road.
We all had a disaster to excape.
let the words find you.
embrace you.
let the words tell your story.
tell your fantasies. hopes. fears. desires
scandelous secrets.
let the world in.
so it begins.....
Random scribbles to curious eyes...
........................................................................................................................................................................
Gotta love a never ending story
A circle of thoughts, running rampant
in your mind.
When the ADHD takes control and I lose myself in a maddening fury of words.
spinning out tirelessly, liike a broken record
on repeat,
repeat these memories.
I can pick them out. one by one...
as if they're little fluffy white clouds..
floating by. And I'm pretending I'm far away
I used to pretend this and that. Being young. to be young again...
lollipops and rainbows.
live your life like allison in her fairytale. In her wonderland. like dorthy and the Wizard. Skipping down the yellow brick road.
We all had a disaster to excape.
Energy
Sometimes it's hard to write when you're happy. When you haven't a care in the world, when the sun shines brightly just for you and you're at one. With your essence, your being, your universe. Smack dab in the center of it, I make my way out, like branches on the weeping willow tree, I sway with the wind, with the energy that surrounds me, the energy that makes up every tiny cell in my body. I am one with this moment. I am at one with happy.
Each moment passes and I find myself thinking, pondering, wondering about the future. Pondering the past, like the dark shadow that it is.
I wonder how my life would be different had I chosen a different path, but would that path be as fufiling with life long lessons only I will percieve, only I take to my grave.
Lessons, life, the journey that we all take, up mountains of regret and back down. Blissfully happy one moment, ignorant the others. Stricken with grief, despair and addiction. Hopelessness. Grandiose and vibrant thoughts, manic and depressive. Love. Infatuation, trickery of the heart. Emotions caught, in this never ending cycle. We humans call life.
But it's just an emotion. Just glimpse of a thought turned inwards so that our soul can feel, and ultimately learn the ins and outs of this chosen life.
But it's just an emotion. Nothing concrete or essence changing. This too will pass.
Blink, it's over. On to the next, change your thoughts and see what you may find waiting behind the door of experience. The next possibility, opportunity. Each day presents itself with something new. What will you find on this journey?
Walking on again, among the twisted vines of life. Branching out into the sea of stars and yellow brick roads, I find myself longing for a different sunset.
Different as in better, as in perfection, but that too lies in the eye of the beholder. Like beauty, perfection lies in the discriminating eyes of perception.
Wandering now, into a vast ocean of energy, I find myself heating up like the sun. My rays of happiness are wrapping around the souls of others, my friends, my lovers and I see now how the dance of energy is the lifeforce that keeps us all bound to one another.
Lifeforce, the essesnce, the being, the spiritualness of this experience.
Its all one , it's all now. It's here. Welcome back home.
Each moment passes and I find myself thinking, pondering, wondering about the future. Pondering the past, like the dark shadow that it is.
I wonder how my life would be different had I chosen a different path, but would that path be as fufiling with life long lessons only I will percieve, only I take to my grave.
Lessons, life, the journey that we all take, up mountains of regret and back down. Blissfully happy one moment, ignorant the others. Stricken with grief, despair and addiction. Hopelessness. Grandiose and vibrant thoughts, manic and depressive. Love. Infatuation, trickery of the heart. Emotions caught, in this never ending cycle. We humans call life.
But it's just an emotion. Just glimpse of a thought turned inwards so that our soul can feel, and ultimately learn the ins and outs of this chosen life.
But it's just an emotion. Nothing concrete or essence changing. This too will pass.
Blink, it's over. On to the next, change your thoughts and see what you may find waiting behind the door of experience. The next possibility, opportunity. Each day presents itself with something new. What will you find on this journey?
Walking on again, among the twisted vines of life. Branching out into the sea of stars and yellow brick roads, I find myself longing for a different sunset.
Different as in better, as in perfection, but that too lies in the eye of the beholder. Like beauty, perfection lies in the discriminating eyes of perception.
Wandering now, into a vast ocean of energy, I find myself heating up like the sun. My rays of happiness are wrapping around the souls of others, my friends, my lovers and I see now how the dance of energy is the lifeforce that keeps us all bound to one another.
Lifeforce, the essesnce, the being, the spiritualness of this experience.
Its all one , it's all now. It's here. Welcome back home.
Maturity...
Days have passed, months, in fact a few years have past, since I've sat down and tried to scrawl out some words worthy of another reading. After re-reading some of my older posts I'm in some sort of awe and shock of how drastically different my life and my overall view on life has changed.
I'm a mother now. A mother of a an almost two year old toddler. He's amazing. I think he just may be the most amazing little human I've ever met. His vocabulary is stellar, he's sensitive and kind and knows how to flirt with the best. ( I should know, we can smell our own.) But he's definitely beat me in the "sensitive" dept. His level of empathy and cautiousness is just something I can't seem to wrap my head around. Again, the child is awe striking, his eyes a vast ocean of blue, his hands; tiny like little stars. He's the best at holding hands and making my heart melt.
My world has changed. I'm not out every night, bouncing to and from, looking for the next experience to lose myself in. I do miss my friends and the fact that I can't participate in dance nights or the just fly by the seat of my pants kind of moments, but I'm finding I'm happiest at home. Snuggled up with my son, or with a good book or maybe an episode of Ancient Aliens or Glee. (shut up.) The BIGGEST change though is that I'm no longer in a dead end relationship with someone who I now realize was my polar opposite. Yes, the entire relationship ended years ago emotionally and really why we hung on the shreds that were left, I'm really not clear on. But it is what it is and it's finally 100 percent OVER. I'm not going to bash on the man, he's great in his own way. But it took finally walking away 100 percent, no contact, no friends, no friends with benefits, no texting, no talking on the phone. It took me washing that man right out of my hair and for him to be absolutely gone in every way to realize that my heart didn't fully love him. He just wasn't the missing piece to my puzzle. We had absolutely nothing in common, we didn't share the same dreams, the same desires to evolve, we didn't connect on the deep spiritual level that I've always hoped to connect with a man on. We just didn't fit. Let's face it: I had some severe blinders on and now...I'm finally set free! My heart has never felt happier. :) Things have become exciting, fun and simple again. (Missa B is back bitches.) ;)
Yes, life may seem dull at times, when I reminence about my past "freedom", but when I really sit down and embrace my life I realize I'm more free now than I ever was. I have my own little family, I have freedom and happiness in my heart and in my life again. I'm able to be the ruler of my destiny again. Find the road that suits my internal and external happiness and live it however I choose. Already on this journey I've met some amazing and wonderful people, who can make me laugh till I cry, who can hold me like no one has ever held me before, who can smile and I immediately feel it's radiating happiness, no matter what kind of mood I'm in. It's a joyful experience. My life have become once again a joyful and unique experience and I'm completely blissed out by all of it! Best of all I have a son who who taught me all of this and most of all taught me what it means to unconditionally love.
Okay. Serious blog over. From this point forward I will go back to my sassy comments and outtakes on my silly life. Cut with some moments of the Deep. ;)
Good Day!
~Melissa
I'm a mother now. A mother of a an almost two year old toddler. He's amazing. I think he just may be the most amazing little human I've ever met. His vocabulary is stellar, he's sensitive and kind and knows how to flirt with the best. ( I should know, we can smell our own.) But he's definitely beat me in the "sensitive" dept. His level of empathy and cautiousness is just something I can't seem to wrap my head around. Again, the child is awe striking, his eyes a vast ocean of blue, his hands; tiny like little stars. He's the best at holding hands and making my heart melt.
My world has changed. I'm not out every night, bouncing to and from, looking for the next experience to lose myself in. I do miss my friends and the fact that I can't participate in dance nights or the just fly by the seat of my pants kind of moments, but I'm finding I'm happiest at home. Snuggled up with my son, or with a good book or maybe an episode of Ancient Aliens or Glee. (shut up.) The BIGGEST change though is that I'm no longer in a dead end relationship with someone who I now realize was my polar opposite. Yes, the entire relationship ended years ago emotionally and really why we hung on the shreds that were left, I'm really not clear on. But it is what it is and it's finally 100 percent OVER. I'm not going to bash on the man, he's great in his own way. But it took finally walking away 100 percent, no contact, no friends, no friends with benefits, no texting, no talking on the phone. It took me washing that man right out of my hair and for him to be absolutely gone in every way to realize that my heart didn't fully love him. He just wasn't the missing piece to my puzzle. We had absolutely nothing in common, we didn't share the same dreams, the same desires to evolve, we didn't connect on the deep spiritual level that I've always hoped to connect with a man on. We just didn't fit. Let's face it: I had some severe blinders on and now...I'm finally set free! My heart has never felt happier. :) Things have become exciting, fun and simple again. (Missa B is back bitches.) ;)
Yes, life may seem dull at times, when I reminence about my past "freedom", but when I really sit down and embrace my life I realize I'm more free now than I ever was. I have my own little family, I have freedom and happiness in my heart and in my life again. I'm able to be the ruler of my destiny again. Find the road that suits my internal and external happiness and live it however I choose. Already on this journey I've met some amazing and wonderful people, who can make me laugh till I cry, who can hold me like no one has ever held me before, who can smile and I immediately feel it's radiating happiness, no matter what kind of mood I'm in. It's a joyful experience. My life have become once again a joyful and unique experience and I'm completely blissed out by all of it! Best of all I have a son who who taught me all of this and most of all taught me what it means to unconditionally love.
Okay. Serious blog over. From this point forward I will go back to my sassy comments and outtakes on my silly life. Cut with some moments of the Deep. ;)
Good Day!
~Melissa
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Ice cream Addiction and words by another prego blogger I found utterly HILARIOUS!
One of the funnier things I've read in quite awhile!
Instead of "pesto sandwich with cheese" insert "Snicker's Ice Cream Bar" and we'll have an understanding of my undying addiction for ice cream that I can somewhat entertain being that I'm a totally fatty anyway...I mean pregnant.
"My husband takes me to Ojai for the weekend, where we find a little coffee house in town and I order a veggie sandwich with pesto and Swiss cheese. I tell myself I’m going to eat only half of it, like an alcoholic tells himself it’s just a slice of rum cake and it won’t trigger a bender and than he ends the night with one shoe and 47 stitches at County General trying to remember his sponsor’s phone number." Teresa Strasser from her "Exploiting My Baby" Blog.
Ahhhh. I LOVE It. :) And a big thank you to Jared M Theile for pointing out this awesomeness for me to relish my prego brain in!
Instead of "pesto sandwich with cheese" insert "Snicker's Ice Cream Bar" and we'll have an understanding of my undying addiction for ice cream that I can somewhat entertain being that I'm a totally fatty anyway...I mean pregnant.
"My husband takes me to Ojai for the weekend, where we find a little coffee house in town and I order a veggie sandwich with pesto and Swiss cheese. I tell myself I’m going to eat only half of it, like an alcoholic tells himself it’s just a slice of rum cake and it won’t trigger a bender and than he ends the night with one shoe and 47 stitches at County General trying to remember his sponsor’s phone number." Teresa Strasser from her "Exploiting My Baby" Blog.
Ahhhh. I LOVE It. :) And a big thank you to Jared M Theile for pointing out this awesomeness for me to relish my prego brain in!
Sunday, July 5, 2009
So you love an Alcoholic...
Yesterday I walked into the big house on the hill. A familiar place, with coffee brewing in the kitchen, couches in the meeting rooms and an old musty smell throughout.
Comforting and yet frightening all at the same time.
Walking into the meeting room I found only a small group of people. All with smiling faces. "The Newcomer" must have been written on a blinking sign resting on the top of my forehead. I smiled nervously and took a seat on the most uncomfortable couch I've ever sat in. The kind where too many people had sat in it and not enough tender loving care. The thing was most likely over 40 years old. I sunk in and announced to the curious faces that this was my first Al-Anon meeting. A chorus of "welcomes" chimed through the air and I was given a stack of pamphlets to leaf through.
"Thank god." I thought to myself. I don't have to sit here melting into this couch, fidgeting waiting for more unfamiliar faces to show up.
"So you love an Alcoholic" A bright red pamphlet that was nestled under the "Welcome Newcomer" one. I opened it up and started reading the "Do's and Don'ts".
1. Don't treat the alcoholic like a child. Treat this person as if they suffer from any other disease.
All I could think of was the coddling mother or child who was picking up after the sick cancer ridden family member. Bringing them food, water, propping them up in bed, changing the channels. Cooing and oogling. Worrying and crying. And then thinking how the hell is treating a drunk like this going to help?
Obviously..that's not what this means..but for a second there it does seem to sort of paint that picture. After thinking about it for a minute I realized that I HAVE indeed done those exact things. Bringing him soup, and water, gatorade when he was so hungover he couldn't function. Lying in bed with him all night while he was pissed off and feeling like shit. Worrying. Crying...I did it all...
But yet somehow I don't really think that's the point. In fact, I'm pretty sure you're NOT supposed to do any of those things. Instead just treat them as if it's something that isn't fixed by willpower alone. Its much deeper than this. Much more evil.
2. Don't check up on the alcoholic to see how much he/she is drinking, search for hidden liquor, or pour liquor out.
Well....I've failed miserably at that one. Because I've done all of the above. A hundred times over.
3. Don't Nag the alcoholic about drinking. Never argue while they are under the influence.
FAIL. FAIL. FAIL.
4. Do remember we can't control, cause or cure alcoholism.
Well, I did try to control it and obviously FAILED miserably. I've always known that I'm not the cause, no matter how many times I got blamed, and I obviously can't cure anyone of their problems. So this is only a moderate FAIL.
5. Don't preach, scold, or enter into quarrels with the alcoholic.
FAIL. FAIL. FAIL.
It's weird how wrapped up in another human being one can get when you just want the best for them. Turns out I was only making all situations worse. Obviously I have realized this, anger and controlling behavior doesn't solve or help any situation. But, I kept hoping that maybe he'd just "figure it out" one day. Stop the cycle. Stop being in such denial. Start picking up on the clues, because as far as I could tell they were all right there smack dab in front of our faces.
But.....no matter how hard I tried, nothing worked. According to this my trying was FAILURE.
Not because I was failing him or failing the relationship. But because I was failing MYSELF.
Instead of just worrying and crying for myself I was worrying and crying for him. Instead of taking care of me, I was taking care of him. Instead of trying to better my own life, I was always trying to better his. And when it didn't happen. I got ANGRY. I got RESENTFUL. And I got super fucking co-dependent.
But today, as I sat on that uncomfortable ass couch I was taking care of me. Though it may appear I'm there for the alcoholic. That is definitely NOT the case. I'm there to learn how to love myself again, turn that shit over, stop worrying, stop fussing and let that man take care of himself.
It's the control that I've gotten used to and the same control, anger, hate and rage that I got myself wrapped into. The same stuff spun me so out of control that I wound up losing myself. Thus the cycle continued. And the more out of touch I became.
All I can say is that I'm glad I'm at where I am today and I know that a lot of this has to do with my lil one that is on the way. It's a life changing event that makes you CHANGE your life, whether you thought you were ready or not. But honestly, I'm so thankful I've gotten to this point, and was forced to make these changes. Because now is the time I can finally heal, move forward and start living again!
Step 1 : We admitted we were powerless over our addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable
I am definitely powerless in this situation, my life became unmanageable and I'm going to do everything I can to make sure I turn my life and will over. So that I can become whole again! I don't have to live my life consumed by another's problems for another second!
:)
Comforting and yet frightening all at the same time.
Walking into the meeting room I found only a small group of people. All with smiling faces. "The Newcomer" must have been written on a blinking sign resting on the top of my forehead. I smiled nervously and took a seat on the most uncomfortable couch I've ever sat in. The kind where too many people had sat in it and not enough tender loving care. The thing was most likely over 40 years old. I sunk in and announced to the curious faces that this was my first Al-Anon meeting. A chorus of "welcomes" chimed through the air and I was given a stack of pamphlets to leaf through.
"Thank god." I thought to myself. I don't have to sit here melting into this couch, fidgeting waiting for more unfamiliar faces to show up.
"So you love an Alcoholic" A bright red pamphlet that was nestled under the "Welcome Newcomer" one. I opened it up and started reading the "Do's and Don'ts".
1. Don't treat the alcoholic like a child. Treat this person as if they suffer from any other disease.
All I could think of was the coddling mother or child who was picking up after the sick cancer ridden family member. Bringing them food, water, propping them up in bed, changing the channels. Cooing and oogling. Worrying and crying. And then thinking how the hell is treating a drunk like this going to help?
Obviously..that's not what this means..but for a second there it does seem to sort of paint that picture. After thinking about it for a minute I realized that I HAVE indeed done those exact things. Bringing him soup, and water, gatorade when he was so hungover he couldn't function. Lying in bed with him all night while he was pissed off and feeling like shit. Worrying. Crying...I did it all...
But yet somehow I don't really think that's the point. In fact, I'm pretty sure you're NOT supposed to do any of those things. Instead just treat them as if it's something that isn't fixed by willpower alone. Its much deeper than this. Much more evil.
2. Don't check up on the alcoholic to see how much he/she is drinking, search for hidden liquor, or pour liquor out.
Well....I've failed miserably at that one. Because I've done all of the above. A hundred times over.
3. Don't Nag the alcoholic about drinking. Never argue while they are under the influence.
FAIL. FAIL. FAIL.
4. Do remember we can't control, cause or cure alcoholism.
Well, I did try to control it and obviously FAILED miserably. I've always known that I'm not the cause, no matter how many times I got blamed, and I obviously can't cure anyone of their problems. So this is only a moderate FAIL.
5. Don't preach, scold, or enter into quarrels with the alcoholic.
FAIL. FAIL. FAIL.
It's weird how wrapped up in another human being one can get when you just want the best for them. Turns out I was only making all situations worse. Obviously I have realized this, anger and controlling behavior doesn't solve or help any situation. But, I kept hoping that maybe he'd just "figure it out" one day. Stop the cycle. Stop being in such denial. Start picking up on the clues, because as far as I could tell they were all right there smack dab in front of our faces.
But.....no matter how hard I tried, nothing worked. According to this my trying was FAILURE.
Not because I was failing him or failing the relationship. But because I was failing MYSELF.
Instead of just worrying and crying for myself I was worrying and crying for him. Instead of taking care of me, I was taking care of him. Instead of trying to better my own life, I was always trying to better his. And when it didn't happen. I got ANGRY. I got RESENTFUL. And I got super fucking co-dependent.
But today, as I sat on that uncomfortable ass couch I was taking care of me. Though it may appear I'm there for the alcoholic. That is definitely NOT the case. I'm there to learn how to love myself again, turn that shit over, stop worrying, stop fussing and let that man take care of himself.
It's the control that I've gotten used to and the same control, anger, hate and rage that I got myself wrapped into. The same stuff spun me so out of control that I wound up losing myself. Thus the cycle continued. And the more out of touch I became.
All I can say is that I'm glad I'm at where I am today and I know that a lot of this has to do with my lil one that is on the way. It's a life changing event that makes you CHANGE your life, whether you thought you were ready or not. But honestly, I'm so thankful I've gotten to this point, and was forced to make these changes. Because now is the time I can finally heal, move forward and start living again!
Step 1 : We admitted we were powerless over our addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable
I am definitely powerless in this situation, my life became unmanageable and I'm going to do everything I can to make sure I turn my life and will over. So that I can become whole again! I don't have to live my life consumed by another's problems for another second!
:)
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Prego try to write....
Pregnancy is a weird thing. Something that you just CAN NOT begin to even understand until you go ahead and go through with it. I don't care how many books you read, how many photos examine, sex educational videos you watch, or talking about it with other moms....none of that shit can even remotely compare to going through it.
And I haven't even completed this process and I find this a frightening and awesome fact.
I'm four months pregnant. So far my life has taken an awesome change for the better, but also an amazingly crazy turn for the worse. ( But this is only relating to a relationship gone sour (again) and being forced to go through this process alone.) It's scary alone, but then again, I haven't ever gone through pregnancy with someone, a partner or what not so really what the fuck do I know? I'm just going on out on a limb and saying that I betcha that shit's easier.
The first trimester was HELL. on Earth. I basically felt like I had the flu combined with a gnarly self loathing depression for 3 months straight. Looking in the mirror was torture because I had my sights set on obtaining my "goal body" this summer and getting in shape. Instead I was being greeted with the opposite. My stomach turning flabbier and more bloated with each and every passing day. My emotions caught in this maddening whirl of being scared shitless, to happy and excited, to being terrorfied all over again! The depression was due to feeling like crap daily and not being able or having the desire to go out, have fun, be with friends. Sleeping and watching cable while nibbling on saltines was my favorite pasttime those days. Not exactly exciting!
Now into the 2nd trimester I have my energy back and I'm nausea free (unless of course I forget to eat something...) My emotions have calmed down a bit, but I'm still fighting the random attack of a hot flash from time to time, usually in the middle of the night while in mid dream mind you. ( hormones are disrespectful like that...) I go from feeling good about the pregnancy to feeling that I'm going to be a horribly broke parent that struggles daily and can't provide for my child as it deserves. I'm scared that I'll have this miserable relationship with the father that my child will witness and then someday begin to understand. Mommy and Daddy hate eachother. :(
So, against my own wishes really, I'm forced to somehow make some sort of civil relationship happen with this person. For the sake of my child. And good god is it draining. But it teaches you how to be a bigger and better person. Teaches you how to let shit go. Teaches you how to stop letting your own emotions control the situation and stand back from a distance and do what is needed for the sake of another. It's difficult when you have a mountain of resentment/anger and frustration towards this person...but again I never want to give the impression to my child that, Mommy and Daddy hate eachother. Instead I would like him/her to learn that men and women can have functioning, respectful relationships with eachother. Whether they are together or not it's possible. Whether they are friends or not. It's possible. Someday I'd like to be able to parent on a one unit basis, while not being in an exclusive bf gf relationship. Maybe I'm crazy to think it's possible, but at this point that's what my goal is.
As I grow larger and rounder, as the kicks become horrible jabs to the ribs I look forward to experiencing this journey. Even though it is alone, I'm trying my best to find all the good in this experience that I can, while making best of the shit that is force fed me through a straw.
I'm not saying I'm going to enjoy it, but I guess I can choose to hate every second of it, become more resentful or rise above it.
In this moment, I'm going to rise above it. Choose the high road. Get one with "God" and turn that shit over.
Pregnancy is a weird and crazy thing....I'm in the midst of it. Some days knee deep in it, but I'd rather make molehill out of this mountain. Cuz I'm terrorfied of heights.
And I haven't even completed this process and I find this a frightening and awesome fact.
I'm four months pregnant. So far my life has taken an awesome change for the better, but also an amazingly crazy turn for the worse. ( But this is only relating to a relationship gone sour (again) and being forced to go through this process alone.) It's scary alone, but then again, I haven't ever gone through pregnancy with someone, a partner or what not so really what the fuck do I know? I'm just going on out on a limb and saying that I betcha that shit's easier.
The first trimester was HELL. on Earth. I basically felt like I had the flu combined with a gnarly self loathing depression for 3 months straight. Looking in the mirror was torture because I had my sights set on obtaining my "goal body" this summer and getting in shape. Instead I was being greeted with the opposite. My stomach turning flabbier and more bloated with each and every passing day. My emotions caught in this maddening whirl of being scared shitless, to happy and excited, to being terrorfied all over again! The depression was due to feeling like crap daily and not being able or having the desire to go out, have fun, be with friends. Sleeping and watching cable while nibbling on saltines was my favorite pasttime those days. Not exactly exciting!
Now into the 2nd trimester I have my energy back and I'm nausea free (unless of course I forget to eat something...) My emotions have calmed down a bit, but I'm still fighting the random attack of a hot flash from time to time, usually in the middle of the night while in mid dream mind you. ( hormones are disrespectful like that...) I go from feeling good about the pregnancy to feeling that I'm going to be a horribly broke parent that struggles daily and can't provide for my child as it deserves. I'm scared that I'll have this miserable relationship with the father that my child will witness and then someday begin to understand. Mommy and Daddy hate eachother. :(
So, against my own wishes really, I'm forced to somehow make some sort of civil relationship happen with this person. For the sake of my child. And good god is it draining. But it teaches you how to be a bigger and better person. Teaches you how to let shit go. Teaches you how to stop letting your own emotions control the situation and stand back from a distance and do what is needed for the sake of another. It's difficult when you have a mountain of resentment/anger and frustration towards this person...but again I never want to give the impression to my child that, Mommy and Daddy hate eachother. Instead I would like him/her to learn that men and women can have functioning, respectful relationships with eachother. Whether they are together or not it's possible. Whether they are friends or not. It's possible. Someday I'd like to be able to parent on a one unit basis, while not being in an exclusive bf gf relationship. Maybe I'm crazy to think it's possible, but at this point that's what my goal is.
As I grow larger and rounder, as the kicks become horrible jabs to the ribs I look forward to experiencing this journey. Even though it is alone, I'm trying my best to find all the good in this experience that I can, while making best of the shit that is force fed me through a straw.
I'm not saying I'm going to enjoy it, but I guess I can choose to hate every second of it, become more resentful or rise above it.
In this moment, I'm going to rise above it. Choose the high road. Get one with "God" and turn that shit over.
Pregnancy is a weird and crazy thing....I'm in the midst of it. Some days knee deep in it, but I'd rather make molehill out of this mountain. Cuz I'm terrorfied of heights.
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