Yesterday I walked into the big house on the hill. A familiar place, with coffee brewing in the kitchen, couches in the meeting rooms and an old musty smell throughout.
Comforting and yet frightening all at the same time.
Walking into the meeting room I found only a small group of people. All with smiling faces. "The Newcomer" must have been written on a blinking sign resting on the top of my forehead. I smiled nervously and took a seat on the most uncomfortable couch I've ever sat in. The kind where too many people had sat in it and not enough tender loving care. The thing was most likely over 40 years old. I sunk in and announced to the curious faces that this was my first Al-Anon meeting. A chorus of "welcomes" chimed through the air and I was given a stack of pamphlets to leaf through.
"Thank god." I thought to myself. I don't have to sit here melting into this couch, fidgeting waiting for more unfamiliar faces to show up.
"So you love an Alcoholic" A bright red pamphlet that was nestled under the "Welcome Newcomer" one. I opened it up and started reading the "Do's and Don'ts".
1. Don't treat the alcoholic like a child. Treat this person as if they suffer from any other disease.
All I could think of was the coddling mother or child who was picking up after the sick cancer ridden family member. Bringing them food, water, propping them up in bed, changing the channels. Cooing and oogling. Worrying and crying. And then thinking how the hell is treating a drunk like this going to help?
Obviously..that's not what this means..but for a second there it does seem to sort of paint that picture. After thinking about it for a minute I realized that I HAVE indeed done those exact things. Bringing him soup, and water, gatorade when he was so hungover he couldn't function. Lying in bed with him all night while he was pissed off and feeling like shit. Worrying. Crying...I did it all...
But yet somehow I don't really think that's the point. In fact, I'm pretty sure you're NOT supposed to do any of those things. Instead just treat them as if it's something that isn't fixed by willpower alone. Its much deeper than this. Much more evil.
2. Don't check up on the alcoholic to see how much he/she is drinking, search for hidden liquor, or pour liquor out.
Well....I've failed miserably at that one. Because I've done all of the above. A hundred times over.
3. Don't Nag the alcoholic about drinking. Never argue while they are under the influence.
FAIL. FAIL. FAIL.
4. Do remember we can't control, cause or cure alcoholism.
Well, I did try to control it and obviously FAILED miserably. I've always known that I'm not the cause, no matter how many times I got blamed, and I obviously can't cure anyone of their problems. So this is only a moderate FAIL.
5. Don't preach, scold, or enter into quarrels with the alcoholic.
FAIL. FAIL. FAIL.
It's weird how wrapped up in another human being one can get when you just want the best for them. Turns out I was only making all situations worse. Obviously I have realized this, anger and controlling behavior doesn't solve or help any situation. But, I kept hoping that maybe he'd just "figure it out" one day. Stop the cycle. Stop being in such denial. Start picking up on the clues, because as far as I could tell they were all right there smack dab in front of our faces.
But.....no matter how hard I tried, nothing worked. According to this my trying was FAILURE.
Not because I was failing him or failing the relationship. But because I was failing MYSELF.
Instead of just worrying and crying for myself I was worrying and crying for him. Instead of taking care of me, I was taking care of him. Instead of trying to better my own life, I was always trying to better his. And when it didn't happen. I got ANGRY. I got RESENTFUL. And I got super fucking co-dependent.
But today, as I sat on that uncomfortable ass couch I was taking care of me. Though it may appear I'm there for the alcoholic. That is definitely NOT the case. I'm there to learn how to love myself again, turn that shit over, stop worrying, stop fussing and let that man take care of himself.
It's the control that I've gotten used to and the same control, anger, hate and rage that I got myself wrapped into. The same stuff spun me so out of control that I wound up losing myself. Thus the cycle continued. And the more out of touch I became.
All I can say is that I'm glad I'm at where I am today and I know that a lot of this has to do with my lil one that is on the way. It's a life changing event that makes you CHANGE your life, whether you thought you were ready or not. But honestly, I'm so thankful I've gotten to this point, and was forced to make these changes. Because now is the time I can finally heal, move forward and start living again!
Step 1 : We admitted we were powerless over our addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable
I am definitely powerless in this situation, my life became unmanageable and I'm going to do everything I can to make sure I turn my life and will over. So that I can become whole again! I don't have to live my life consumed by another's problems for another second!
:)
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Prego try to write....
Pregnancy is a weird thing. Something that you just CAN NOT begin to even understand until you go ahead and go through with it. I don't care how many books you read, how many photos examine, sex educational videos you watch, or talking about it with other moms....none of that shit can even remotely compare to going through it.
And I haven't even completed this process and I find this a frightening and awesome fact.
I'm four months pregnant. So far my life has taken an awesome change for the better, but also an amazingly crazy turn for the worse. ( But this is only relating to a relationship gone sour (again) and being forced to go through this process alone.) It's scary alone, but then again, I haven't ever gone through pregnancy with someone, a partner or what not so really what the fuck do I know? I'm just going on out on a limb and saying that I betcha that shit's easier.
The first trimester was HELL. on Earth. I basically felt like I had the flu combined with a gnarly self loathing depression for 3 months straight. Looking in the mirror was torture because I had my sights set on obtaining my "goal body" this summer and getting in shape. Instead I was being greeted with the opposite. My stomach turning flabbier and more bloated with each and every passing day. My emotions caught in this maddening whirl of being scared shitless, to happy and excited, to being terrorfied all over again! The depression was due to feeling like crap daily and not being able or having the desire to go out, have fun, be with friends. Sleeping and watching cable while nibbling on saltines was my favorite pasttime those days. Not exactly exciting!
Now into the 2nd trimester I have my energy back and I'm nausea free (unless of course I forget to eat something...) My emotions have calmed down a bit, but I'm still fighting the random attack of a hot flash from time to time, usually in the middle of the night while in mid dream mind you. ( hormones are disrespectful like that...) I go from feeling good about the pregnancy to feeling that I'm going to be a horribly broke parent that struggles daily and can't provide for my child as it deserves. I'm scared that I'll have this miserable relationship with the father that my child will witness and then someday begin to understand. Mommy and Daddy hate eachother. :(
So, against my own wishes really, I'm forced to somehow make some sort of civil relationship happen with this person. For the sake of my child. And good god is it draining. But it teaches you how to be a bigger and better person. Teaches you how to let shit go. Teaches you how to stop letting your own emotions control the situation and stand back from a distance and do what is needed for the sake of another. It's difficult when you have a mountain of resentment/anger and frustration towards this person...but again I never want to give the impression to my child that, Mommy and Daddy hate eachother. Instead I would like him/her to learn that men and women can have functioning, respectful relationships with eachother. Whether they are together or not it's possible. Whether they are friends or not. It's possible. Someday I'd like to be able to parent on a one unit basis, while not being in an exclusive bf gf relationship. Maybe I'm crazy to think it's possible, but at this point that's what my goal is.
As I grow larger and rounder, as the kicks become horrible jabs to the ribs I look forward to experiencing this journey. Even though it is alone, I'm trying my best to find all the good in this experience that I can, while making best of the shit that is force fed me through a straw.
I'm not saying I'm going to enjoy it, but I guess I can choose to hate every second of it, become more resentful or rise above it.
In this moment, I'm going to rise above it. Choose the high road. Get one with "God" and turn that shit over.
Pregnancy is a weird and crazy thing....I'm in the midst of it. Some days knee deep in it, but I'd rather make molehill out of this mountain. Cuz I'm terrorfied of heights.
And I haven't even completed this process and I find this a frightening and awesome fact.
I'm four months pregnant. So far my life has taken an awesome change for the better, but also an amazingly crazy turn for the worse. ( But this is only relating to a relationship gone sour (again) and being forced to go through this process alone.) It's scary alone, but then again, I haven't ever gone through pregnancy with someone, a partner or what not so really what the fuck do I know? I'm just going on out on a limb and saying that I betcha that shit's easier.
The first trimester was HELL. on Earth. I basically felt like I had the flu combined with a gnarly self loathing depression for 3 months straight. Looking in the mirror was torture because I had my sights set on obtaining my "goal body" this summer and getting in shape. Instead I was being greeted with the opposite. My stomach turning flabbier and more bloated with each and every passing day. My emotions caught in this maddening whirl of being scared shitless, to happy and excited, to being terrorfied all over again! The depression was due to feeling like crap daily and not being able or having the desire to go out, have fun, be with friends. Sleeping and watching cable while nibbling on saltines was my favorite pasttime those days. Not exactly exciting!
Now into the 2nd trimester I have my energy back and I'm nausea free (unless of course I forget to eat something...) My emotions have calmed down a bit, but I'm still fighting the random attack of a hot flash from time to time, usually in the middle of the night while in mid dream mind you. ( hormones are disrespectful like that...) I go from feeling good about the pregnancy to feeling that I'm going to be a horribly broke parent that struggles daily and can't provide for my child as it deserves. I'm scared that I'll have this miserable relationship with the father that my child will witness and then someday begin to understand. Mommy and Daddy hate eachother. :(
So, against my own wishes really, I'm forced to somehow make some sort of civil relationship happen with this person. For the sake of my child. And good god is it draining. But it teaches you how to be a bigger and better person. Teaches you how to let shit go. Teaches you how to stop letting your own emotions control the situation and stand back from a distance and do what is needed for the sake of another. It's difficult when you have a mountain of resentment/anger and frustration towards this person...but again I never want to give the impression to my child that, Mommy and Daddy hate eachother. Instead I would like him/her to learn that men and women can have functioning, respectful relationships with eachother. Whether they are together or not it's possible. Whether they are friends or not. It's possible. Someday I'd like to be able to parent on a one unit basis, while not being in an exclusive bf gf relationship. Maybe I'm crazy to think it's possible, but at this point that's what my goal is.
As I grow larger and rounder, as the kicks become horrible jabs to the ribs I look forward to experiencing this journey. Even though it is alone, I'm trying my best to find all the good in this experience that I can, while making best of the shit that is force fed me through a straw.
I'm not saying I'm going to enjoy it, but I guess I can choose to hate every second of it, become more resentful or rise above it.
In this moment, I'm going to rise above it. Choose the high road. Get one with "God" and turn that shit over.
Pregnancy is a weird and crazy thing....I'm in the midst of it. Some days knee deep in it, but I'd rather make molehill out of this mountain. Cuz I'm terrorfied of heights.
Friday, June 27, 2008
Sunday, June 22, 2008
torture.
"It's not over yet..."
The wind rustles my hair as the I swing higher and higher into the clouds...The sun blinds my eyes and I shut them to bring myself back to yesterday. When I found solace on my tiny tike swing set. Every night around sunset I'd swing....swing...swing.
Until dinner was done. Until the whistle ran out and I ran home, either way. I was always with the sun. Always settling myself with the sun...
To this very moment I found my peace gliding through the air, up and down, feeling the warmth of the sun's rays on my skin.
I felt myself become young all over again as I tried to push the weeks events and turmoils on my mind away for a second. a moment. and pass.
Because you can't ever fully escape the world around you. it will spin itself out tirelessly, day after day...and the people around you, you can never keep your finger on, they will live, they will disappoint, they will break your heart, they will die.
People come into this world and go right back out again. Some live full lives and others have it robbed from them. Right when they least expect it. Right when they cross the street. Right when they turn the corner or wake up from a long nights sleep.
It's unfair really.
To the world around them. Because it affects. you. it affects them. It's a ripple affect that even most go unaware of.
I felt the sun'srays on my skin and tried to let go of today. yesterday. my nightmares I wake up to every morning. The unsettledness I've felt for days now that lies festering in my mind...
I can't shake this underlying fear. Things are ajar right now. But no personally in my life...but all around me.
For some reason I'm feeling the intensity of every blow and today I crumbled beneath it all.
I don't know why I've been so open, but the synchronicity of daily events have lead up to the most unfortunate things I wish would never happen. To anyone. EVER.
taking lives that are not your own or even to take your own is the most hurtful and painful thing another human can do to another human and like I said there's that ripple effect....
my current is my closure I never got a few people that I have held dear in my heart and those that I still do and forever will.
closure in these things I don't think is ever really obtained, but there is some sort of letting go that is found in the "routine" of death I think.
When you are robbed of this option.....you are left to just mourn. forever. essentially. And quite frankly today I find it unfair.
I find these feelings I've been tormented with all week to lead up to this and everything else, unfair.
I'd rather be blind some days. Not be so sensitive to other people's emotions, or even the guy down the street who can't get his son to stop lying in the middle of the street. I mean honestly...I've seen and heard some ridiculously sad shit this week...to top it off with murders and people's mothers dying. I mean my god....
what next?
Because as I was rambling on earlier...the feeling is not subsiding..and I'm certain...
It's not over yet.....
The wind rustles my hair as the I swing higher and higher into the clouds...The sun blinds my eyes and I shut them to bring myself back to yesterday. When I found solace on my tiny tike swing set. Every night around sunset I'd swing....swing...swing.
Until dinner was done. Until the whistle ran out and I ran home, either way. I was always with the sun. Always settling myself with the sun...
To this very moment I found my peace gliding through the air, up and down, feeling the warmth of the sun's rays on my skin.
I felt myself become young all over again as I tried to push the weeks events and turmoils on my mind away for a second. a moment. and pass.
Because you can't ever fully escape the world around you. it will spin itself out tirelessly, day after day...and the people around you, you can never keep your finger on, they will live, they will disappoint, they will break your heart, they will die.
People come into this world and go right back out again. Some live full lives and others have it robbed from them. Right when they least expect it. Right when they cross the street. Right when they turn the corner or wake up from a long nights sleep.
It's unfair really.
To the world around them. Because it affects. you. it affects them. It's a ripple affect that even most go unaware of.
I felt the sun'srays on my skin and tried to let go of today. yesterday. my nightmares I wake up to every morning. The unsettledness I've felt for days now that lies festering in my mind...
I can't shake this underlying fear. Things are ajar right now. But no personally in my life...but all around me.
For some reason I'm feeling the intensity of every blow and today I crumbled beneath it all.
I don't know why I've been so open, but the synchronicity of daily events have lead up to the most unfortunate things I wish would never happen. To anyone. EVER.
taking lives that are not your own or even to take your own is the most hurtful and painful thing another human can do to another human and like I said there's that ripple effect....
my current is my closure I never got a few people that I have held dear in my heart and those that I still do and forever will.
closure in these things I don't think is ever really obtained, but there is some sort of letting go that is found in the "routine" of death I think.
When you are robbed of this option.....you are left to just mourn. forever. essentially. And quite frankly today I find it unfair.
I find these feelings I've been tormented with all week to lead up to this and everything else, unfair.
I'd rather be blind some days. Not be so sensitive to other people's emotions, or even the guy down the street who can't get his son to stop lying in the middle of the street. I mean honestly...I've seen and heard some ridiculously sad shit this week...to top it off with murders and people's mothers dying. I mean my god....
what next?
Because as I was rambling on earlier...the feeling is not subsiding..and I'm certain...
It's not over yet.....
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Moofas
Sally sat at hunched over her laptop, belly full of Moofas and pondering the thought of Holy Tea.
Moofas= some crazy term her mother uses to describe "healthy fats" such as olive oil, almonds, flax oil...so on and so forth.
Holy tea= the most "too good to be true" tea scam I've ever heard of. Besides that it looks suspiciously similiar to "milk thistle" which is a great liver detoxifier, but I don't think it tackles this long and lengthy list:
Sally was immediately distracted by the one cat in the household that decided laying sprawled out smack dab in the center of the kitchen floor was not his idea of fun. Instead he's pacing around the house "moaning" as she calls it. It's a peculiar and half cute type of noise that resembles a purrr slash meow.
The cat is in heat. It makes sense. He's becoming a cat sans kitten and wants to entertain his manhood.
Wait no......he's fixed. Well because of this then he's just being annoying and acting immature.
Bad kitty. Baaaaaaad kitty.
OOOF! Sally's belly turns as her meditarrean pasta tries to settle.
"God damn moofas!" Sally mumbles to herself as she tries to shoo the psuedo in heat cat out of the dining room.
I guess it's time to face the sunshine and brave the last day of a Minnesota Spring.
.....................................................................................................................................................................
ps. I am working on compiling a cook book. :) Look for it soon. I'm gonna be the next up and coming Rachel Ray.
mmmm.hmmmmm.
ps. I'm buying a house soon. well fairly soon. like next 6 months soon.
YAY!
ps. I'm working six days/nights a week and work at Bulldog NE and Keegans Irish Pub both in NE minneapolis.
COME VISIT!
ps. Baxter still hates me.
:)
Moofas= some crazy term her mother uses to describe "healthy fats" such as olive oil, almonds, flax oil...so on and so forth.
Holy tea= the most "too good to be true" tea scam I've ever heard of. Besides that it looks suspiciously similiar to "milk thistle" which is a great liver detoxifier, but I don't think it tackles this long and lengthy list:
- take inches off their belly and reduce fat everywhere (without dieting or giving up any favorite foods)
- feel more energy and enjoy life more
- restore mental clarity and improve memory diminished by too many toxins in the blood
- get relief from allergies and hay fever
- clean out pharmaceutical or recreational drug residues and heavy metals
- clean out nicotine and second-hand smoke deposits
- assist with a stop smoking program
- keep the colon, kidneys, liver, and lungs healthy and clean
- improve digestion and absorption of nutrients
- help detoxify chemicals created by parasites, fungi, yeast, and bad bacteria in the colon and digestive tract
- remove parasites such as worms and flukes from the colon
- help remove toxins from the blood, organs, and entire digestive system
- restore the natural balance of 80% probiotic bacteria to 20% yeast, to improve digestion and assimilation of nutrients
- restore regularity and reduce auto-intoxification
- end constipation, hard stools, and hemorrhoids
- help relieve digestive ailments such as Acid Reflux (GERD), Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS), Crohn's Disease, Diverticulitis, Colitis
- clear skin conditions and body odor caused by internal toxins being excreted through sweat glands
- have skin which is healthy, soft, and younger-looking
- aid in reducing high LDL cholesterol and hypertension
Sally was immediately distracted by the one cat in the household that decided laying sprawled out smack dab in the center of the kitchen floor was not his idea of fun. Instead he's pacing around the house "moaning" as she calls it. It's a peculiar and half cute type of noise that resembles a purrr slash meow.
The cat is in heat. It makes sense. He's becoming a cat sans kitten and wants to entertain his manhood.
Wait no......he's fixed. Well because of this then he's just being annoying and acting immature.
Bad kitty. Baaaaaaad kitty.
OOOF! Sally's belly turns as her meditarrean pasta tries to settle.
"God damn moofas!" Sally mumbles to herself as she tries to shoo the psuedo in heat cat out of the dining room.
I guess it's time to face the sunshine and brave the last day of a Minnesota Spring.
.....................................................................................................................................................................
ps. I am working on compiling a cook book. :) Look for it soon. I'm gonna be the next up and coming Rachel Ray.
mmmm.hmmmmm.
ps. I'm buying a house soon. well fairly soon. like next 6 months soon.
YAY!
ps. I'm working six days/nights a week and work at Bulldog NE and Keegans Irish Pub both in NE minneapolis.
COME VISIT!
ps. Baxter still hates me.
:)
Monday, June 16, 2008
I've been a bad girl...
I'm definitely not posting daily.
Sorry Folks!
*Though I'm pretty sure I have no curious eyes and minds pining over my missing scribbles.*
Sorry Folks!
*Though I'm pretty sure I have no curious eyes and minds pining over my missing scribbles.*
Thursday, June 5, 2008
She is So Not a Pear!
"She is so not a pear!!!"
"Yes...she is!!" I said with exasperation! " She has that full figured "lady figure" I said, wildly throwing my hands about in the familiar hour glass formation.
"She is not a pear!!" he says again, " That is so mean!"
"Well, She's not an apple!!" I said defensively of my previous conclusion. " She's full in the bottom, so she's a pear! It's widely known, I can't believe you don't know this..." I said shaking my head. "Seriously...pick up a crappy woman's mag and I'm sure you'll find something about body types."
"Wait, what do you mean an apple?" Todd said dumbfounded. "How the hell can anyone possibly look like an apple?"
" Well... I guess if you're an apple you have no hips...like me? Wait....no. I think I'm more like an upside down pear."
"What? You are NOT an upside down pear!!" Todd said chuckling.
" Well...I'm definitely not a pear, or an apple. I guess I could be a carrot." I said, shrugging my shoulders.
"oh god!! Todd said laughing. I can't believe we're even having this conversation...you are not a carrot. You're beautiful."
I smiled and we giggled a bit over how silly our conversations are sometimes.
I'm still pretty sure I'm a carrot or maybe a strawberry, but definitely Not a flippin pear. And I'm pretty sure i love that my boo bear and I can classify people as fruits and vegatables at any given random moment. Oh such Good times to be had rollin deep in the trusty Windstar.
ps. Due to my roomate emailing me the correct terms of bodytypes. I am a upside down Triangle.
See? I knew I was an upside down-something-or-other. :)
"Yes...she is!!" I said with exasperation! " She has that full figured "lady figure" I said, wildly throwing my hands about in the familiar hour glass formation.
"She is not a pear!!" he says again, " That is so mean!"
"Well, She's not an apple!!" I said defensively of my previous conclusion. " She's full in the bottom, so she's a pear! It's widely known, I can't believe you don't know this..." I said shaking my head. "Seriously...pick up a crappy woman's mag and I'm sure you'll find something about body types."
"Wait, what do you mean an apple?" Todd said dumbfounded. "How the hell can anyone possibly look like an apple?"
" Well... I guess if you're an apple you have no hips...like me? Wait....no. I think I'm more like an upside down pear."
"What? You are NOT an upside down pear!!" Todd said chuckling.
" Well...I'm definitely not a pear, or an apple. I guess I could be a carrot." I said, shrugging my shoulders.
"oh god!! Todd said laughing. I can't believe we're even having this conversation...you are not a carrot. You're beautiful."
I smiled and we giggled a bit over how silly our conversations are sometimes.
I'm still pretty sure I'm a carrot or maybe a strawberry, but definitely Not a flippin pear. And I'm pretty sure i love that my boo bear and I can classify people as fruits and vegatables at any given random moment. Oh such Good times to be had rollin deep in the trusty Windstar.
ps. Due to my roomate emailing me the correct terms of bodytypes. I am a upside down Triangle.
See? I knew I was an upside down-something-or-other. :)
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