Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Synchronicity...
I saw one of my favorite bumper stickers on the way to the park today. At the park Devan kissed a tree and pointed at the sun while exclaiming "Pretty star!!" If that's not proof that the earth does not belong to us, we belong to the earth then I don't know what else is. :)
Monday, October 24, 2011
Monogamy is for the Birds
I've had a theory for a very very very long time that monogamy isn't designed for the human species. Do I defensively shriek that I'm not a goose to a upset partner when busted having a wondering eye? No, because that's just rude and I try very hard to be a good, faithful, loyal girlfriend. (But God and I know that I still think it.)
You see, I've become convinced that upon entering a new relationship you go through various phases of said relationship and after years wondering down lovers lane hand in hand the two of you become complacent, routine trained, boundaryless partners that basically share a couch and the same potato chip bag. *Shudder*
Don't get me wrong I love the ins and outs of trying to co-exist with another human being (and the majority being the male variety). After all I AM a woman. I tend to frolic in the emotional realm far too often than what's really neccesary for any human being, but apparently that's what all these hormones I possess do to a person. Thanks pussy, 'preciate it. As far as the phases go, I share a love/hate relationship with the first phase of a budding relationship. Properly coined "The Honeymoon Phase", we find here everything is blissful, wonderful and amazing on every level. (This is especially true if you find a phenomenal, passionate lover...but there goes my one-track mind again.) But on the flip side, it's still annoyingly nerve-racking and uncertain.
Next, we find ourselves spending more and more time together, going out to eat more often than our pocketbook is comfortable with and becoming a part of each other's daily routine. Don't get me wrong, this isn't bad or wrong or any other negative term I can conjure up. In fact, this part can be loads of fun too! Especially if you're with the right person. ( Unfortunately, for me I have only experienced this once. And I was on a shit ton of drugs, so however much I really truly experienced is up for debate.) But, if you're with the wrong person, then my god this is setting up a person for a long road of boredom or a psuedo-painful breakup. I say psuedo because once the blinders come off you realize what an ass you were for being with that person in the first god damn place AND realize how blissfully happy you are SINGLE! ;p
After this phase it's basically one of two options: Get married or get busy breaking up. Why waste more time not evolving into something more deep, meaningful and committed? Marriage. Such a frightening word. For some it's the dollhouse fantasy they've carried in the back of their mind since they were school age little girls making Ken kiss Barbie. But for gals like me, it's a blinding yellow light that screams: YOUR FREEDOM IS OVER and get prepare to get ungodly fat.
I'm pretty sure I'm the minority in this since I am part of the female species and most girls go goo-goo-ga-ga over David's Bridal every time they drive past it with visions of white wedding dresses and roses dancing in their heads. *Shudder* But for me the idea of your church house wedding, white flowy dresses and bridesmaids all in row makes me nautious. To me, the committment is between you and another person. My vision would be me and my lover in a sweat lodge having some crazy visions together. Boom. "Married fo life".
Okay, let's get real now. The reason I have committment issues is not because I'm some sad, lonely girl that doesn't believe in love. I believe in it. Full heartedly. Have I loved? Hundreds of times over. I believe I'm the embodiment of love so therefore I basically breathe the essence of it daily. My problem lies in the science behind love, the fact that most married couples that are 30 years deep are unhappy, have had affairs, or are divorced and trying again. And again. and for those of you who can't seem to figure it out that marriage is for the birds, AGAIN.
My theory is this: You should be with and marry your best friend. The one person that when the sex isnt a hot steamy, throw me up against the wall and fuck the shit out of me kind of multi-daily affair anymore, that you can stand being around for the rest of your life. I mean, let's face it. We get old. We get wrinkley, we get saggy in all the wrong places. (If old geezers still have sex then good for them, but in this moment after having that thought, I am thoroughly frightened and equally nauseated) *shudder* Aging brings sickness, diseases, money woes, all of which you have to conquer together as a team. Again, you best pick the person that's gonna go to bat for you and not judge the mistakes you make along the way. Cuz life doesn't really ever get easier....instead we just get grumpier and opinionated in our old age. (Since I'm only 30 and apparently this is the new 22....I'm basing this info off none other but my own folks.)
My parents are still married. After years of ups and dangerously low downs these two human beings managed to somehow stick together. It's mind blowing to me actually, cuz lord knows I would have split....wait. I somewhat recently got out of a 5 year worthless on/off again relationship that went absolutely nowhere...so maybe I should shut.the.fuck.up about shoulda, coulda, wouldas....but the point being, their marriage doesn't fit the the glass painting on the wall they've created throughout the years.
Yesterday I talked to my Dad. He's almsot 60. Graying. Self acclaimed work-aholic that has become the oh so stereotypical husband. My Mom the bitchy wife who can't seem to understand why my father retreats to the basement with his bag of m & m's to eat in solitude while watching old war movies. "Well are you happy?" I asked. After a moment of deliberation he answered, "No." I may have been seeing things, but I'm pretty sure I saw tears well up in his eyes. "Do you think Mom is happy?" I asked. "No." Dad answered again. "Well do you think you two could benefit from couples therapy?" , Again another no. "We're past that." my Dad replied. At the moment, I didn't grasp what he was saying...but now I know he meant, their unhappiness just is, it's not "fixable". They aren't madly in love anymore and never will be ever again. And then he said the one thing that I'm basing this whole blog on in the first place. "She's my friend. I like her. She likes me. We've been together for years, honey. That's just what happens."
So, marry your best friend. Evolve into something that's honest and open about who we truly are as sexual, emotional human beings. And maybe if you're both adult about it. Keep the doors open for exploration. Stop making "the wondering eye" such a god damn taboo and again let's get real about who we really are. Cuz I'm 100 percent positive I ain't no goose.
You see, I've become convinced that upon entering a new relationship you go through various phases of said relationship and after years wondering down lovers lane hand in hand the two of you become complacent, routine trained, boundaryless partners that basically share a couch and the same potato chip bag. *Shudder*
Don't get me wrong I love the ins and outs of trying to co-exist with another human being (and the majority being the male variety). After all I AM a woman. I tend to frolic in the emotional realm far too often than what's really neccesary for any human being, but apparently that's what all these hormones I possess do to a person. Thanks pussy, 'preciate it. As far as the phases go, I share a love/hate relationship with the first phase of a budding relationship. Properly coined "The Honeymoon Phase", we find here everything is blissful, wonderful and amazing on every level. (This is especially true if you find a phenomenal, passionate lover...but there goes my one-track mind again.) But on the flip side, it's still annoyingly nerve-racking and uncertain.
Next, we find ourselves spending more and more time together, going out to eat more often than our pocketbook is comfortable with and becoming a part of each other's daily routine. Don't get me wrong, this isn't bad or wrong or any other negative term I can conjure up. In fact, this part can be loads of fun too! Especially if you're with the right person. ( Unfortunately, for me I have only experienced this once. And I was on a shit ton of drugs, so however much I really truly experienced is up for debate.) But, if you're with the wrong person, then my god this is setting up a person for a long road of boredom or a psuedo-painful breakup. I say psuedo because once the blinders come off you realize what an ass you were for being with that person in the first god damn place AND realize how blissfully happy you are SINGLE! ;p
After this phase it's basically one of two options: Get married or get busy breaking up. Why waste more time not evolving into something more deep, meaningful and committed? Marriage. Such a frightening word. For some it's the dollhouse fantasy they've carried in the back of their mind since they were school age little girls making Ken kiss Barbie. But for gals like me, it's a blinding yellow light that screams: YOUR FREEDOM IS OVER and get prepare to get ungodly fat.
I'm pretty sure I'm the minority in this since I am part of the female species and most girls go goo-goo-ga-ga over David's Bridal every time they drive past it with visions of white wedding dresses and roses dancing in their heads. *Shudder* But for me the idea of your church house wedding, white flowy dresses and bridesmaids all in row makes me nautious. To me, the committment is between you and another person. My vision would be me and my lover in a sweat lodge having some crazy visions together. Boom. "Married fo life".
Okay, let's get real now. The reason I have committment issues is not because I'm some sad, lonely girl that doesn't believe in love. I believe in it. Full heartedly. Have I loved? Hundreds of times over. I believe I'm the embodiment of love so therefore I basically breathe the essence of it daily. My problem lies in the science behind love, the fact that most married couples that are 30 years deep are unhappy, have had affairs, or are divorced and trying again. And again. and for those of you who can't seem to figure it out that marriage is for the birds, AGAIN.
My theory is this: You should be with and marry your best friend. The one person that when the sex isnt a hot steamy, throw me up against the wall and fuck the shit out of me kind of multi-daily affair anymore, that you can stand being around for the rest of your life. I mean, let's face it. We get old. We get wrinkley, we get saggy in all the wrong places. (If old geezers still have sex then good for them, but in this moment after having that thought, I am thoroughly frightened and equally nauseated) *shudder* Aging brings sickness, diseases, money woes, all of which you have to conquer together as a team. Again, you best pick the person that's gonna go to bat for you and not judge the mistakes you make along the way. Cuz life doesn't really ever get easier....instead we just get grumpier and opinionated in our old age. (Since I'm only 30 and apparently this is the new 22....I'm basing this info off none other but my own folks.)
My parents are still married. After years of ups and dangerously low downs these two human beings managed to somehow stick together. It's mind blowing to me actually, cuz lord knows I would have split....wait. I somewhat recently got out of a 5 year worthless on/off again relationship that went absolutely nowhere...so maybe I should shut.the.fuck.up about shoulda, coulda, wouldas....but the point being, their marriage doesn't fit the the glass painting on the wall they've created throughout the years.
Yesterday I talked to my Dad. He's almsot 60. Graying. Self acclaimed work-aholic that has become the oh so stereotypical husband. My Mom the bitchy wife who can't seem to understand why my father retreats to the basement with his bag of m & m's to eat in solitude while watching old war movies. "Well are you happy?" I asked. After a moment of deliberation he answered, "No." I may have been seeing things, but I'm pretty sure I saw tears well up in his eyes. "Do you think Mom is happy?" I asked. "No." Dad answered again. "Well do you think you two could benefit from couples therapy?" , Again another no. "We're past that." my Dad replied. At the moment, I didn't grasp what he was saying...but now I know he meant, their unhappiness just is, it's not "fixable". They aren't madly in love anymore and never will be ever again. And then he said the one thing that I'm basing this whole blog on in the first place. "She's my friend. I like her. She likes me. We've been together for years, honey. That's just what happens."
So, marry your best friend. Evolve into something that's honest and open about who we truly are as sexual, emotional human beings. And maybe if you're both adult about it. Keep the doors open for exploration. Stop making "the wondering eye" such a god damn taboo and again let's get real about who we really are. Cuz I'm 100 percent positive I ain't no goose.
Friday, October 21, 2011
Revisions
Take a trip. in your mind.
let the words find you.
embrace you.
let the words tell your story.
tell your fantasies. hopes. fears. desires
scandelous secrets.
let the world in.
so it begins.....
Random scribbles to curious eyes...
........................................................................................................................................................................
Gotta love a never ending story
A circle of thoughts, running rampant
in your mind.
When the ADHD takes control and I lose myself in a maddening fury of words.
spinning out tirelessly, liike a broken record
on repeat,
repeat these memories.
I can pick them out. one by one...
as if they're little fluffy white clouds..
floating by. And I'm pretending I'm far away
I used to pretend this and that. Being young. to be young again...
lollipops and rainbows.
live your life like allison in her fairytale. In her wonderland. like dorthy and the Wizard. Skipping down the yellow brick road.
We all had a disaster to excape.
let the words find you.
embrace you.
let the words tell your story.
tell your fantasies. hopes. fears. desires
scandelous secrets.
let the world in.
so it begins.....
Random scribbles to curious eyes...
........................................................................................................................................................................
Gotta love a never ending story
A circle of thoughts, running rampant
in your mind.
When the ADHD takes control and I lose myself in a maddening fury of words.
spinning out tirelessly, liike a broken record
on repeat,
repeat these memories.
I can pick them out. one by one...
as if they're little fluffy white clouds..
floating by. And I'm pretending I'm far away
I used to pretend this and that. Being young. to be young again...
lollipops and rainbows.
live your life like allison in her fairytale. In her wonderland. like dorthy and the Wizard. Skipping down the yellow brick road.
We all had a disaster to excape.
Energy
Sometimes it's hard to write when you're happy. When you haven't a care in the world, when the sun shines brightly just for you and you're at one. With your essence, your being, your universe. Smack dab in the center of it, I make my way out, like branches on the weeping willow tree, I sway with the wind, with the energy that surrounds me, the energy that makes up every tiny cell in my body. I am one with this moment. I am at one with happy.
Each moment passes and I find myself thinking, pondering, wondering about the future. Pondering the past, like the dark shadow that it is.
I wonder how my life would be different had I chosen a different path, but would that path be as fufiling with life long lessons only I will percieve, only I take to my grave.
Lessons, life, the journey that we all take, up mountains of regret and back down. Blissfully happy one moment, ignorant the others. Stricken with grief, despair and addiction. Hopelessness. Grandiose and vibrant thoughts, manic and depressive. Love. Infatuation, trickery of the heart. Emotions caught, in this never ending cycle. We humans call life.
But it's just an emotion. Just glimpse of a thought turned inwards so that our soul can feel, and ultimately learn the ins and outs of this chosen life.
But it's just an emotion. Nothing concrete or essence changing. This too will pass.
Blink, it's over. On to the next, change your thoughts and see what you may find waiting behind the door of experience. The next possibility, opportunity. Each day presents itself with something new. What will you find on this journey?
Walking on again, among the twisted vines of life. Branching out into the sea of stars and yellow brick roads, I find myself longing for a different sunset.
Different as in better, as in perfection, but that too lies in the eye of the beholder. Like beauty, perfection lies in the discriminating eyes of perception.
Wandering now, into a vast ocean of energy, I find myself heating up like the sun. My rays of happiness are wrapping around the souls of others, my friends, my lovers and I see now how the dance of energy is the lifeforce that keeps us all bound to one another.
Lifeforce, the essesnce, the being, the spiritualness of this experience.
Its all one , it's all now. It's here. Welcome back home.
Each moment passes and I find myself thinking, pondering, wondering about the future. Pondering the past, like the dark shadow that it is.
I wonder how my life would be different had I chosen a different path, but would that path be as fufiling with life long lessons only I will percieve, only I take to my grave.
Lessons, life, the journey that we all take, up mountains of regret and back down. Blissfully happy one moment, ignorant the others. Stricken with grief, despair and addiction. Hopelessness. Grandiose and vibrant thoughts, manic and depressive. Love. Infatuation, trickery of the heart. Emotions caught, in this never ending cycle. We humans call life.
But it's just an emotion. Just glimpse of a thought turned inwards so that our soul can feel, and ultimately learn the ins and outs of this chosen life.
But it's just an emotion. Nothing concrete or essence changing. This too will pass.
Blink, it's over. On to the next, change your thoughts and see what you may find waiting behind the door of experience. The next possibility, opportunity. Each day presents itself with something new. What will you find on this journey?
Walking on again, among the twisted vines of life. Branching out into the sea of stars and yellow brick roads, I find myself longing for a different sunset.
Different as in better, as in perfection, but that too lies in the eye of the beholder. Like beauty, perfection lies in the discriminating eyes of perception.
Wandering now, into a vast ocean of energy, I find myself heating up like the sun. My rays of happiness are wrapping around the souls of others, my friends, my lovers and I see now how the dance of energy is the lifeforce that keeps us all bound to one another.
Lifeforce, the essesnce, the being, the spiritualness of this experience.
Its all one , it's all now. It's here. Welcome back home.
Maturity...
Days have passed, months, in fact a few years have past, since I've sat down and tried to scrawl out some words worthy of another reading. After re-reading some of my older posts I'm in some sort of awe and shock of how drastically different my life and my overall view on life has changed.
I'm a mother now. A mother of a an almost two year old toddler. He's amazing. I think he just may be the most amazing little human I've ever met. His vocabulary is stellar, he's sensitive and kind and knows how to flirt with the best. ( I should know, we can smell our own.) But he's definitely beat me in the "sensitive" dept. His level of empathy and cautiousness is just something I can't seem to wrap my head around. Again, the child is awe striking, his eyes a vast ocean of blue, his hands; tiny like little stars. He's the best at holding hands and making my heart melt.
My world has changed. I'm not out every night, bouncing to and from, looking for the next experience to lose myself in. I do miss my friends and the fact that I can't participate in dance nights or the just fly by the seat of my pants kind of moments, but I'm finding I'm happiest at home. Snuggled up with my son, or with a good book or maybe an episode of Ancient Aliens or Glee. (shut up.) The BIGGEST change though is that I'm no longer in a dead end relationship with someone who I now realize was my polar opposite. Yes, the entire relationship ended years ago emotionally and really why we hung on the shreds that were left, I'm really not clear on. But it is what it is and it's finally 100 percent OVER. I'm not going to bash on the man, he's great in his own way. But it took finally walking away 100 percent, no contact, no friends, no friends with benefits, no texting, no talking on the phone. It took me washing that man right out of my hair and for him to be absolutely gone in every way to realize that my heart didn't fully love him. He just wasn't the missing piece to my puzzle. We had absolutely nothing in common, we didn't share the same dreams, the same desires to evolve, we didn't connect on the deep spiritual level that I've always hoped to connect with a man on. We just didn't fit. Let's face it: I had some severe blinders on and now...I'm finally set free! My heart has never felt happier. :) Things have become exciting, fun and simple again. (Missa B is back bitches.) ;)
Yes, life may seem dull at times, when I reminence about my past "freedom", but when I really sit down and embrace my life I realize I'm more free now than I ever was. I have my own little family, I have freedom and happiness in my heart and in my life again. I'm able to be the ruler of my destiny again. Find the road that suits my internal and external happiness and live it however I choose. Already on this journey I've met some amazing and wonderful people, who can make me laugh till I cry, who can hold me like no one has ever held me before, who can smile and I immediately feel it's radiating happiness, no matter what kind of mood I'm in. It's a joyful experience. My life have become once again a joyful and unique experience and I'm completely blissed out by all of it! Best of all I have a son who who taught me all of this and most of all taught me what it means to unconditionally love.
Okay. Serious blog over. From this point forward I will go back to my sassy comments and outtakes on my silly life. Cut with some moments of the Deep. ;)
Good Day!
~Melissa
I'm a mother now. A mother of a an almost two year old toddler. He's amazing. I think he just may be the most amazing little human I've ever met. His vocabulary is stellar, he's sensitive and kind and knows how to flirt with the best. ( I should know, we can smell our own.) But he's definitely beat me in the "sensitive" dept. His level of empathy and cautiousness is just something I can't seem to wrap my head around. Again, the child is awe striking, his eyes a vast ocean of blue, his hands; tiny like little stars. He's the best at holding hands and making my heart melt.
My world has changed. I'm not out every night, bouncing to and from, looking for the next experience to lose myself in. I do miss my friends and the fact that I can't participate in dance nights or the just fly by the seat of my pants kind of moments, but I'm finding I'm happiest at home. Snuggled up with my son, or with a good book or maybe an episode of Ancient Aliens or Glee. (shut up.) The BIGGEST change though is that I'm no longer in a dead end relationship with someone who I now realize was my polar opposite. Yes, the entire relationship ended years ago emotionally and really why we hung on the shreds that were left, I'm really not clear on. But it is what it is and it's finally 100 percent OVER. I'm not going to bash on the man, he's great in his own way. But it took finally walking away 100 percent, no contact, no friends, no friends with benefits, no texting, no talking on the phone. It took me washing that man right out of my hair and for him to be absolutely gone in every way to realize that my heart didn't fully love him. He just wasn't the missing piece to my puzzle. We had absolutely nothing in common, we didn't share the same dreams, the same desires to evolve, we didn't connect on the deep spiritual level that I've always hoped to connect with a man on. We just didn't fit. Let's face it: I had some severe blinders on and now...I'm finally set free! My heart has never felt happier. :) Things have become exciting, fun and simple again. (Missa B is back bitches.) ;)
Yes, life may seem dull at times, when I reminence about my past "freedom", but when I really sit down and embrace my life I realize I'm more free now than I ever was. I have my own little family, I have freedom and happiness in my heart and in my life again. I'm able to be the ruler of my destiny again. Find the road that suits my internal and external happiness and live it however I choose. Already on this journey I've met some amazing and wonderful people, who can make me laugh till I cry, who can hold me like no one has ever held me before, who can smile and I immediately feel it's radiating happiness, no matter what kind of mood I'm in. It's a joyful experience. My life have become once again a joyful and unique experience and I'm completely blissed out by all of it! Best of all I have a son who who taught me all of this and most of all taught me what it means to unconditionally love.
Okay. Serious blog over. From this point forward I will go back to my sassy comments and outtakes on my silly life. Cut with some moments of the Deep. ;)
Good Day!
~Melissa
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