One of the funnier things I've read in quite awhile!
Instead of "pesto sandwich with cheese" insert "Snicker's Ice Cream Bar" and we'll have an understanding of my undying addiction for ice cream that I can somewhat entertain being that I'm a totally fatty anyway...I mean pregnant.
"My husband takes me to Ojai for the weekend, where we find a little coffee house in town and I order a veggie sandwich with pesto and Swiss cheese. I tell myself I’m going to eat only half of it, like an alcoholic tells himself it’s just a slice of rum cake and it won’t trigger a bender and than he ends the night with one shoe and 47 stitches at County General trying to remember his sponsor’s phone number." Teresa Strasser from her "Exploiting My Baby" Blog.
Ahhhh. I LOVE It. :) And a big thank you to Jared M Theile for pointing out this awesomeness for me to relish my prego brain in!
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Sunday, July 5, 2009
So you love an Alcoholic...
Yesterday I walked into the big house on the hill. A familiar place, with coffee brewing in the kitchen, couches in the meeting rooms and an old musty smell throughout.
Comforting and yet frightening all at the same time.
Walking into the meeting room I found only a small group of people. All with smiling faces. "The Newcomer" must have been written on a blinking sign resting on the top of my forehead. I smiled nervously and took a seat on the most uncomfortable couch I've ever sat in. The kind where too many people had sat in it and not enough tender loving care. The thing was most likely over 40 years old. I sunk in and announced to the curious faces that this was my first Al-Anon meeting. A chorus of "welcomes" chimed through the air and I was given a stack of pamphlets to leaf through.
"Thank god." I thought to myself. I don't have to sit here melting into this couch, fidgeting waiting for more unfamiliar faces to show up.
"So you love an Alcoholic" A bright red pamphlet that was nestled under the "Welcome Newcomer" one. I opened it up and started reading the "Do's and Don'ts".
1. Don't treat the alcoholic like a child. Treat this person as if they suffer from any other disease.
All I could think of was the coddling mother or child who was picking up after the sick cancer ridden family member. Bringing them food, water, propping them up in bed, changing the channels. Cooing and oogling. Worrying and crying. And then thinking how the hell is treating a drunk like this going to help?
Obviously..that's not what this means..but for a second there it does seem to sort of paint that picture. After thinking about it for a minute I realized that I HAVE indeed done those exact things. Bringing him soup, and water, gatorade when he was so hungover he couldn't function. Lying in bed with him all night while he was pissed off and feeling like shit. Worrying. Crying...I did it all...
But yet somehow I don't really think that's the point. In fact, I'm pretty sure you're NOT supposed to do any of those things. Instead just treat them as if it's something that isn't fixed by willpower alone. Its much deeper than this. Much more evil.
2. Don't check up on the alcoholic to see how much he/she is drinking, search for hidden liquor, or pour liquor out.
Well....I've failed miserably at that one. Because I've done all of the above. A hundred times over.
3. Don't Nag the alcoholic about drinking. Never argue while they are under the influence.
FAIL. FAIL. FAIL.
4. Do remember we can't control, cause or cure alcoholism.
Well, I did try to control it and obviously FAILED miserably. I've always known that I'm not the cause, no matter how many times I got blamed, and I obviously can't cure anyone of their problems. So this is only a moderate FAIL.
5. Don't preach, scold, or enter into quarrels with the alcoholic.
FAIL. FAIL. FAIL.
It's weird how wrapped up in another human being one can get when you just want the best for them. Turns out I was only making all situations worse. Obviously I have realized this, anger and controlling behavior doesn't solve or help any situation. But, I kept hoping that maybe he'd just "figure it out" one day. Stop the cycle. Stop being in such denial. Start picking up on the clues, because as far as I could tell they were all right there smack dab in front of our faces.
But.....no matter how hard I tried, nothing worked. According to this my trying was FAILURE.
Not because I was failing him or failing the relationship. But because I was failing MYSELF.
Instead of just worrying and crying for myself I was worrying and crying for him. Instead of taking care of me, I was taking care of him. Instead of trying to better my own life, I was always trying to better his. And when it didn't happen. I got ANGRY. I got RESENTFUL. And I got super fucking co-dependent.
But today, as I sat on that uncomfortable ass couch I was taking care of me. Though it may appear I'm there for the alcoholic. That is definitely NOT the case. I'm there to learn how to love myself again, turn that shit over, stop worrying, stop fussing and let that man take care of himself.
It's the control that I've gotten used to and the same control, anger, hate and rage that I got myself wrapped into. The same stuff spun me so out of control that I wound up losing myself. Thus the cycle continued. And the more out of touch I became.
All I can say is that I'm glad I'm at where I am today and I know that a lot of this has to do with my lil one that is on the way. It's a life changing event that makes you CHANGE your life, whether you thought you were ready or not. But honestly, I'm so thankful I've gotten to this point, and was forced to make these changes. Because now is the time I can finally heal, move forward and start living again!
Step 1 : We admitted we were powerless over our addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable
I am definitely powerless in this situation, my life became unmanageable and I'm going to do everything I can to make sure I turn my life and will over. So that I can become whole again! I don't have to live my life consumed by another's problems for another second!
:)
Comforting and yet frightening all at the same time.
Walking into the meeting room I found only a small group of people. All with smiling faces. "The Newcomer" must have been written on a blinking sign resting on the top of my forehead. I smiled nervously and took a seat on the most uncomfortable couch I've ever sat in. The kind where too many people had sat in it and not enough tender loving care. The thing was most likely over 40 years old. I sunk in and announced to the curious faces that this was my first Al-Anon meeting. A chorus of "welcomes" chimed through the air and I was given a stack of pamphlets to leaf through.
"Thank god." I thought to myself. I don't have to sit here melting into this couch, fidgeting waiting for more unfamiliar faces to show up.
"So you love an Alcoholic" A bright red pamphlet that was nestled under the "Welcome Newcomer" one. I opened it up and started reading the "Do's and Don'ts".
1. Don't treat the alcoholic like a child. Treat this person as if they suffer from any other disease.
All I could think of was the coddling mother or child who was picking up after the sick cancer ridden family member. Bringing them food, water, propping them up in bed, changing the channels. Cooing and oogling. Worrying and crying. And then thinking how the hell is treating a drunk like this going to help?
Obviously..that's not what this means..but for a second there it does seem to sort of paint that picture. After thinking about it for a minute I realized that I HAVE indeed done those exact things. Bringing him soup, and water, gatorade when he was so hungover he couldn't function. Lying in bed with him all night while he was pissed off and feeling like shit. Worrying. Crying...I did it all...
But yet somehow I don't really think that's the point. In fact, I'm pretty sure you're NOT supposed to do any of those things. Instead just treat them as if it's something that isn't fixed by willpower alone. Its much deeper than this. Much more evil.
2. Don't check up on the alcoholic to see how much he/she is drinking, search for hidden liquor, or pour liquor out.
Well....I've failed miserably at that one. Because I've done all of the above. A hundred times over.
3. Don't Nag the alcoholic about drinking. Never argue while they are under the influence.
FAIL. FAIL. FAIL.
4. Do remember we can't control, cause or cure alcoholism.
Well, I did try to control it and obviously FAILED miserably. I've always known that I'm not the cause, no matter how many times I got blamed, and I obviously can't cure anyone of their problems. So this is only a moderate FAIL.
5. Don't preach, scold, or enter into quarrels with the alcoholic.
FAIL. FAIL. FAIL.
It's weird how wrapped up in another human being one can get when you just want the best for them. Turns out I was only making all situations worse. Obviously I have realized this, anger and controlling behavior doesn't solve or help any situation. But, I kept hoping that maybe he'd just "figure it out" one day. Stop the cycle. Stop being in such denial. Start picking up on the clues, because as far as I could tell they were all right there smack dab in front of our faces.
But.....no matter how hard I tried, nothing worked. According to this my trying was FAILURE.
Not because I was failing him or failing the relationship. But because I was failing MYSELF.
Instead of just worrying and crying for myself I was worrying and crying for him. Instead of taking care of me, I was taking care of him. Instead of trying to better my own life, I was always trying to better his. And when it didn't happen. I got ANGRY. I got RESENTFUL. And I got super fucking co-dependent.
But today, as I sat on that uncomfortable ass couch I was taking care of me. Though it may appear I'm there for the alcoholic. That is definitely NOT the case. I'm there to learn how to love myself again, turn that shit over, stop worrying, stop fussing and let that man take care of himself.
It's the control that I've gotten used to and the same control, anger, hate and rage that I got myself wrapped into. The same stuff spun me so out of control that I wound up losing myself. Thus the cycle continued. And the more out of touch I became.
All I can say is that I'm glad I'm at where I am today and I know that a lot of this has to do with my lil one that is on the way. It's a life changing event that makes you CHANGE your life, whether you thought you were ready or not. But honestly, I'm so thankful I've gotten to this point, and was forced to make these changes. Because now is the time I can finally heal, move forward and start living again!
Step 1 : We admitted we were powerless over our addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable
I am definitely powerless in this situation, my life became unmanageable and I'm going to do everything I can to make sure I turn my life and will over. So that I can become whole again! I don't have to live my life consumed by another's problems for another second!
:)
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Prego try to write....
Pregnancy is a weird thing. Something that you just CAN NOT begin to even understand until you go ahead and go through with it. I don't care how many books you read, how many photos examine, sex educational videos you watch, or talking about it with other moms....none of that shit can even remotely compare to going through it.
And I haven't even completed this process and I find this a frightening and awesome fact.
I'm four months pregnant. So far my life has taken an awesome change for the better, but also an amazingly crazy turn for the worse. ( But this is only relating to a relationship gone sour (again) and being forced to go through this process alone.) It's scary alone, but then again, I haven't ever gone through pregnancy with someone, a partner or what not so really what the fuck do I know? I'm just going on out on a limb and saying that I betcha that shit's easier.
The first trimester was HELL. on Earth. I basically felt like I had the flu combined with a gnarly self loathing depression for 3 months straight. Looking in the mirror was torture because I had my sights set on obtaining my "goal body" this summer and getting in shape. Instead I was being greeted with the opposite. My stomach turning flabbier and more bloated with each and every passing day. My emotions caught in this maddening whirl of being scared shitless, to happy and excited, to being terrorfied all over again! The depression was due to feeling like crap daily and not being able or having the desire to go out, have fun, be with friends. Sleeping and watching cable while nibbling on saltines was my favorite pasttime those days. Not exactly exciting!
Now into the 2nd trimester I have my energy back and I'm nausea free (unless of course I forget to eat something...) My emotions have calmed down a bit, but I'm still fighting the random attack of a hot flash from time to time, usually in the middle of the night while in mid dream mind you. ( hormones are disrespectful like that...) I go from feeling good about the pregnancy to feeling that I'm going to be a horribly broke parent that struggles daily and can't provide for my child as it deserves. I'm scared that I'll have this miserable relationship with the father that my child will witness and then someday begin to understand. Mommy and Daddy hate eachother. :(
So, against my own wishes really, I'm forced to somehow make some sort of civil relationship happen with this person. For the sake of my child. And good god is it draining. But it teaches you how to be a bigger and better person. Teaches you how to let shit go. Teaches you how to stop letting your own emotions control the situation and stand back from a distance and do what is needed for the sake of another. It's difficult when you have a mountain of resentment/anger and frustration towards this person...but again I never want to give the impression to my child that, Mommy and Daddy hate eachother. Instead I would like him/her to learn that men and women can have functioning, respectful relationships with eachother. Whether they are together or not it's possible. Whether they are friends or not. It's possible. Someday I'd like to be able to parent on a one unit basis, while not being in an exclusive bf gf relationship. Maybe I'm crazy to think it's possible, but at this point that's what my goal is.
As I grow larger and rounder, as the kicks become horrible jabs to the ribs I look forward to experiencing this journey. Even though it is alone, I'm trying my best to find all the good in this experience that I can, while making best of the shit that is force fed me through a straw.
I'm not saying I'm going to enjoy it, but I guess I can choose to hate every second of it, become more resentful or rise above it.
In this moment, I'm going to rise above it. Choose the high road. Get one with "God" and turn that shit over.
Pregnancy is a weird and crazy thing....I'm in the midst of it. Some days knee deep in it, but I'd rather make molehill out of this mountain. Cuz I'm terrorfied of heights.
And I haven't even completed this process and I find this a frightening and awesome fact.
I'm four months pregnant. So far my life has taken an awesome change for the better, but also an amazingly crazy turn for the worse. ( But this is only relating to a relationship gone sour (again) and being forced to go through this process alone.) It's scary alone, but then again, I haven't ever gone through pregnancy with someone, a partner or what not so really what the fuck do I know? I'm just going on out on a limb and saying that I betcha that shit's easier.
The first trimester was HELL. on Earth. I basically felt like I had the flu combined with a gnarly self loathing depression for 3 months straight. Looking in the mirror was torture because I had my sights set on obtaining my "goal body" this summer and getting in shape. Instead I was being greeted with the opposite. My stomach turning flabbier and more bloated with each and every passing day. My emotions caught in this maddening whirl of being scared shitless, to happy and excited, to being terrorfied all over again! The depression was due to feeling like crap daily and not being able or having the desire to go out, have fun, be with friends. Sleeping and watching cable while nibbling on saltines was my favorite pasttime those days. Not exactly exciting!
Now into the 2nd trimester I have my energy back and I'm nausea free (unless of course I forget to eat something...) My emotions have calmed down a bit, but I'm still fighting the random attack of a hot flash from time to time, usually in the middle of the night while in mid dream mind you. ( hormones are disrespectful like that...) I go from feeling good about the pregnancy to feeling that I'm going to be a horribly broke parent that struggles daily and can't provide for my child as it deserves. I'm scared that I'll have this miserable relationship with the father that my child will witness and then someday begin to understand. Mommy and Daddy hate eachother. :(
So, against my own wishes really, I'm forced to somehow make some sort of civil relationship happen with this person. For the sake of my child. And good god is it draining. But it teaches you how to be a bigger and better person. Teaches you how to let shit go. Teaches you how to stop letting your own emotions control the situation and stand back from a distance and do what is needed for the sake of another. It's difficult when you have a mountain of resentment/anger and frustration towards this person...but again I never want to give the impression to my child that, Mommy and Daddy hate eachother. Instead I would like him/her to learn that men and women can have functioning, respectful relationships with eachother. Whether they are together or not it's possible. Whether they are friends or not. It's possible. Someday I'd like to be able to parent on a one unit basis, while not being in an exclusive bf gf relationship. Maybe I'm crazy to think it's possible, but at this point that's what my goal is.
As I grow larger and rounder, as the kicks become horrible jabs to the ribs I look forward to experiencing this journey. Even though it is alone, I'm trying my best to find all the good in this experience that I can, while making best of the shit that is force fed me through a straw.
I'm not saying I'm going to enjoy it, but I guess I can choose to hate every second of it, become more resentful or rise above it.
In this moment, I'm going to rise above it. Choose the high road. Get one with "God" and turn that shit over.
Pregnancy is a weird and crazy thing....I'm in the midst of it. Some days knee deep in it, but I'd rather make molehill out of this mountain. Cuz I'm terrorfied of heights.
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