Prego try to write....

Pregnancy is a weird thing. Something that you just CAN NOT begin to even understand until you go ahead and go through with it. I don't care how many books you read, how many photos examine, sex educational videos you watch, or talking about it with other moms....none of that shit can even remotely compare to going through it.

And I haven't even completed this process and I find this a frightening and awesome fact.

I'm four months pregnant. So far my life has taken an awesome change for the better, but also an amazingly crazy turn for the worse. ( But this is only relating to a relationship gone sour (again) and being forced to go through this process alone.) It's scary alone, but then again, I haven't ever gone through pregnancy with someone, a partner or what not so really what the fuck do I know? I'm just going on out on a limb and saying that I betcha that shit's easier.

The first trimester was HELL. on Earth. I basically felt like I had the flu combined with a gnarly self loathing depression for 3 months straight. Looking in the mirror was torture because I had my sights set on obtaining my "goal body" this summer and getting in shape. Instead I was being greeted with the opposite. My stomach turning flabbier and more bloated with each and every passing day. My emotions caught in this maddening whirl of being scared shitless, to happy and excited, to being terrorfied all over again! The depression was due to feeling like crap daily and not being able or having the desire to go out, have fun, be with friends. Sleeping and watching cable while nibbling on saltines was my favorite pasttime those days. Not exactly exciting!

Now into the 2nd trimester I have my energy back and I'm nausea free (unless of course I forget to eat something...) My emotions have calmed down a bit, but I'm still fighting the random attack of a hot flash from time to time, usually in the middle of the night while in mid dream mind you. ( hormones are disrespectful like that...) I go from feeling good about the pregnancy to feeling that I'm going to be a horribly broke parent that struggles daily and can't provide for my child as it deserves. I'm scared that I'll have this miserable relationship with the father that my child will witness and then someday begin to understand. Mommy and Daddy hate eachother. :(

So, against my own wishes really, I'm forced to somehow make some sort of civil relationship happen with this person. For the sake of my child. And good god is it draining. But it teaches you how to be a bigger and better person. Teaches you how to let shit go. Teaches you how to stop letting your own emotions control the situation and stand back from a distance and do what is needed for the sake of another. It's difficult when you have a mountain of resentment/anger and frustration towards this person...but again I never want to give the impression to my child that, Mommy and Daddy hate eachother. Instead I would like him/her to learn that men and women can have functioning, respectful relationships with eachother. Whether they are together or not it's possible. Whether they are friends or not. It's possible. Someday I'd like to be able to parent on a one unit basis, while not being in an exclusive bf gf relationship. Maybe I'm crazy to think it's possible, but at this point that's what my goal is.

As I grow larger and rounder, as the kicks become horrible jabs to the ribs I look forward to experiencing this journey. Even though it is alone, I'm trying my best to find all the good in this experience that I can, while making best of the shit that is force fed me through a straw.

I'm not saying I'm going to enjoy it, but I guess I can choose to hate every second of it, become more resentful or rise above it.

In this moment, I'm going to rise above it. Choose the high road. Get one with "God" and turn that shit over.

Pregnancy is a weird and crazy thing....I'm in the midst of it. Some days knee deep in it, but I'd rather make molehill out of this mountain. Cuz I'm terrorfied of heights.